This may well be rambling, but I feel the need to put some ideas down - and maybe at some point I will figure out where to go for the help Alicia used to provide - but as our relationship is now different, I am not sure she is where I should turn.
When I was "happiest" I was involved in a couple different church study groups - in Disiciple, in Companions in Christ. I had a daily purpose to read, ponder and reflect, and then an opportunity to discuss. We were more involved in each other and there was a sense that people - someone - really cared about me/us. As Alicia got busier, and then left our charge, that pretty much dissolved. Tim tried to lead us in Disciple, but he more taught than led - his insecurity or mine....
When I have tried to approach him with a concern, I do not feel led by spirit - I am not so much looking for "advice" as guidance. So maybe what I am seeking is Spiritual formation for lay people. hah
With having to go to spend time in Ripley I have really felt alone. I have literally needed to give up my life to be there for the girls, and they seem either unaware or ungrateful. I have eased their mother's mind to some degree, but with this texting and cell phones, the decisions have really not been mine at all, past what to have for supper. (And everyone knows I am somewhere between tired of making those decisions and hate to have to make that decision every day!).
Then I feel guilty because all I really want to do is be home and live my own life. And surely no one wants that to happen more than Rick and Robin. So then I feel guilty for being so self-centered. Keith and I are both so not wanting to go back there today. The lemons I make lemonade from are now withered and dry. without some sense of appreciation, I just feel empty.
So Lord, if it is anywhere close to your will, may Rick be discharged soon, may life return to some degree of normal for all of us, including our cat. May I not have to be the buffer between Keith, the animals and the girls. May I accept your will and be a better person, a better Christian example for it. More Mary and less Martha? More prodigal son and less the son that stayed home.
