On the road again

Today I am off to Annual Conference - all the way to Buckhannon.  I have been "on the road" so much recently, that truthfully I'd like to just go over there and work in Alicia's yard/garden and sit and talk a bit - or sit and listen.  I really enjoy the worship and music times but get a bit bored with the actual work of the church. 

I am ready tho to sit and worship a bit more.  I've missed several Sunday services recently.  With the recent conversations I had with brother Walter, I am coming to terms with my passion for UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.  I continue to be hurt, I guess, by the fact that my father never accepted my decision/choice to marry in December 1964 here in Philippi.  There have been times when I thought I had forgiven him and accepted that, but I am not sure I have.

And that hurt, that sense of abandonment is the reason I refuse to give up on Rick or on Lindsey.  Mother Florence was so wise to insist on keeping in touch with me.  Was my father's behavior so rooted in his patriach background as a 1st generation American?  I feel like I can't know. 

So in a few minutes I will pack again... go to the church to take care of some things there including getting the buckets and kits ready to go, then home and help Pat with a knitting problem and meet the Elaines to be off.  Except this time I will take a few gardening things and 4 tomato plants.  Maybe working in the dirt there will help me feel some peace.

I liked Rev Marvin Carr's response to communion "Grace and Peace".  I was humbled to serve him communion, as I would be to serve Alicia and many other Pastors whom I hold in great respect. 

Time to get moving!

"Friendship"

Today I read Sandpiper's Thoughts and the Epistle reading of 1John 5: 9-13.  Being a "friend" has so many levels of meaning to me and I suspect to others, in today's world.  Reminds me of the words we might say to each other - "of you (loved me/ were my friend) you would do (such and such).  Quakers are the Society of Friends - on Facebook we have Friends - sometimes people we have never met.

Then there are people we are conversant with and they are my friends.  And people I worship with - they are my friends.  Neighbors are my friends - even the ones I would rather not spend much time around...

I say that since my children became adults, we can be friends.  And I have people that are friends, that I consider family. 

So, if Jesus chose me to be his friend, which has been written in the bible, should I not accept that friendship and  hold it with the higher level of friend such as my children and those I consider family?  And if I am Jesus' friend, then it is up to me to be an example of the kind of friend I hold most dear, not the ones I prefer not to spend time around?

So God, today especially, let me be the kind of friend you want me to be - the kind I want to share time and space with - let me be a witness to your unending, unconditional love.  Let this be my prayer and my action, today and always.... though I am human ....

Thanks be to God.

prayer - An Altar in the World

Just finished the chapter on the Practice of being Present to God.  Reminds me so much I hunger for the spiritual direction/discussion group.  This is a book club selection - and I chose to not attend the meeting which is today, as it is also the day the JUMC is preparing ramps for their ramp dinner.  In a self interest in continuing the relationship I have with members of JUMC, I chose to stay here.  Initially I thought this was not a good book to discuss at book group - and I guess I still feel that way, though now I hunger to discuss it. 

And yes, I hunger to discuss this type of issue - being present to God.  I do not think I am "better" than someone else - but miss the opportunity to share this level of discussion - I sense that many other people, no less "religious" or "spiritual" than myself would think I was off my rocker.  I do not yearn to be a pastor, just to be a person more "in touch" with God.  I am learning, over and over, and not making much progress, that what I think I want, may be different than what God wants for me. 

As I think about my deep desire to be in touch with Rick and be more in his life, I realize that comes with some concerns/ restrictions.  Am I ready to give up my church life, my choir, bells etc to be more available to him?  Is simply being the person that carried him before he had the ability to sustain himself, does that make me due him coming to us? 

I remember how desolate and alone I felt the night after my last "accident" and how, in the dark of the night I somehow sensed that  I did have value and worth - and that I chose then to look up hymns and sing. albeit to myself.  I am not sure how many people would understand that - but I KNOW Alicia would.

So, now I will write a short email to her, and my day will continue as I get ready to go help prepare ramps,

thanks be to GOD!

April 10, 2012

Knitting the Matrix shawl has become a real project.  Went to Elkins again on Saturday to discuss and verify my thoughts.  Sunday night I joined the long strips to the vest back and did the instructed K2 yarn over increases and as Sandra suspected, it did leave holes, so last night I started to take out the two new rows - invested over an hour and only have part of the k1p1 rib out, but I will persist and get it back to the increase row and do it as k2, increases.  I surely hope this is worth the time and money I have put into this.  And I certainly did need the 47" cord on the circular needle to hold all the stitches, though it is long and heavy.  Now we need to plan to go to the fall retreat so I can "show off" my matrix vest!  *and I need to get it completed by then, bu t that should happen once I get the increase row down.  I put a marker in where the "row" starts to have it to do my row counts. 

February confessions

This may well be rambling, but I feel the need to put some ideas down - and maybe at some point I will figure out where to go for the help Alicia used to provide - but as our relationship is now different, I am not sure she is where I should turn.

When I was "happiest" I was involved in a couple different church study groups - in Disiciple, in Companions in Christ.  I had a daily purpose to read, ponder and reflect, and then an opportunity to discuss.  We were more involved in each other and there was a sense that people - someone - really cared about me/us.  As Alicia got busier, and then left our charge, that pretty much dissolved.  Tim tried to lead us in Disciple, but he more taught than led - his insecurity or mine....

When I have tried to approach him with a concern, I do not feel led by spirit - I am not so much looking for "advice" as guidance.  So  maybe what I am seeking is Spiritual formation for lay people.  hah

With having to go to spend time in Ripley I have really felt alone.  I have literally needed to give up my life to be there for the girls, and they seem either unaware or  ungrateful.  I have eased their mother's mind to some degree, but with this texting and cell phones, the decisions have really not been  mine at all, past what to have for supper.  (And everyone knows I am somewhere between tired of making those decisions and hate to have to make that decision every day!).

Then I feel guilty because all I really want to do is be home and live my own life.  And surely no one wants that to happen more than Rick and Robin.  So then I feel guilty for being so self-centered.  Keith and I are both so not wanting to go back there today.  The lemons I make lemonade from are now withered and dry. without some sense of appreciation, I just feel empty.

So Lord, if it is anywhere close to your will, may Rick be discharged soon, may life return to some degree of normal for all of us, including our cat.  May I not have to be the buffer between Keith, the animals and the girls.  May I accept your will and be a better person, a better Christian example for it.  More Mary and less Martha?  More prodigal son and less the son that stayed home.

sanctification

I have forgotten the names for all the steps in the progression of faith in the Wesleyan tradition.  I remember I am granted Grace - it is free from God.  He claims me and my acceptance is justification.  I hear discussion of saints as not just being people like Mother Teresa, esp not just of dead people.

Today I read 1Thesselonians 5:23-24 and the commentary in my Bible, also the Upper Room Discipline reading on this passage and it is helping me come to a better understanding of sactification.

Here is what I now think I understand - (don't just love the specificity-)
Sanctification is being set apart by God and results in our doing what is best.  Again, it is an action by God that comes with expectations of good living - of doing good things., and not the RESULT of this.  Same as grace is from god and not a reward.   That is the difficult thing for us to get.  Jesus came to save us- took away our punishment and our reward is salvation.  AS A RESULT OF THAT LOVE, WE ARE TO ACT CHRISTLIKE.  God has already taken the action.  What we do with that shows him our love back to him.  He acted first, let my actions be ones that reflect my thanksgiving.
Thanks be to God. 

Anniversary dates

For some people, anniversary dates are important - something they never forget.  I worked with a nurse that always took the date of her wedding anniverary off.  Sometimes mine almost skirt by and I hardly notice.  When Alicia renewed my baptism, she gave me a candle to light on that date each year.  I think I remember the date - may 14th - but I am not totally sure.  I do remember, powerfully, that act of rededication - I suppose of reaffirmation by a formal covenant with God.  And I strongly remember that time as when Keith started attending church services with me.  I also remember the wisdom and guidance of Alicia, who is still a strong person in my spiritual life, even tho, in her words - she is not my pastor any more.  She is, but not in formal naming.  And I have as a mantra, especially on days that are not as cheerful - that both Who I am and WHOSE I am.  Thanks be to God!