Just for today I have no responsibilities past myself and simple participation - almost -. I should make a "one call" about tomorrow's prayer shawl meeting, and I agreed to let Jud know A won't be there for Blue and Gray practice.
How much lighter today feels. Free to simple "show up" - and to participate if I so choose. Nothing to make, bake, prepare, decorate, serve. I have read the Sunday School lesson and think I am ready for the discussion - if I'm not, no big deal! I can go to Blue and Gray practice, my fund raising information is all prepared to hand in.
And I took a few minutes last night to be quiet and listen as I prepared to sleep. And this AM about 10 minutes to sit in silence (that trip to the beach was refreshing....).
I am glad I presented worship yesterday. Glad S and I have remained partners - and you know, she is right, we can collaborate outside of DLT. Is she - is electronic collaboration part of my solution to a covenant partner?
But just for today, I will relax and let things go as they flow. I will take time off from trying to control the world starting with the area around me. Yes, it looks like something has been digging around the base of the shepherds crook where the bird feeder had hung - maybe E and I can walk to B & G practice. Yes, E A-C is now gone for a week and has not responded to my query about forming a group - and has my books! - but guess what, I have a book on my Kindle, there are lessons from the Quaker lessons I can access on my computer - it's OK! And Yes, I really want R to go to church today and meet up with A - but heck, if she doesn't, no skin off my nose. She is a big girl and they both know I love them each.
So, God, Just for today I will do my best to let go - I have faith you can handle this and I will be a better person for just, letting go!
Thanks for loving me, faulty as I am
me
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Saturday, February 28, 2015
How long has it been?
Without going back to check, I have no idea how long it has been since I last blogged. But here are some more random thoughts for today.
For along time the touch pad on this laptop did not "work" - and then it came back to life. Now as I type, I have to remember the exercise I was taught in piano - to keep my wrists up so I am not leaning - at this time on the touch pad - then it was on the keyboard,
Another thought - we are going to Ireland soon, and I find that a lot of my random thoughts circle around that topic. Like some need for "final instructions" as has happened before, I am sure that is a combination of that about the question about Advanced Directives every time I go to a doctors' office or health care facility, combined with Rick Blackshire abrupt death. More on that topic some other time - or later, who knows,
The other topic is my ongoing search for a spiritual formation group. Someone to discuss my random thoughts - to check in with, as it would be. I finished reading the Daniel Wolpert book on praryer - Creating a Life with God. How neat it would be to just share the various prayer practices, trying them out - like we did at the 5 Day academy last fall, I tried to send out feelers about this and only one person responded with real interehest - then she got a grandson and I really have not pursued it anymore. I am not toally sure why I don't really explore this with A - I feel ike she is so far advanced in her spiritual life, I guess. And I have talked about it with L - but other topics come up in that one hour a month.
Over the last few months there have been plenty of times that I have sat in silence - and I have continued to pursue - develop? - my spirit based sense. There are several authors whose writings I feel I strongley "relate" to. Joan Chitester, Daniel Wolpert, Barbara Brown Taylor - Alicia Rapking. It is like they are common folks that "get" the way I feel. Beyond Benedict, or Teresa of Avila, or some other greats the spiritual people quote.
As I think about flying to Ireland, there a few things I am afraid of, and a few that I am not. I am afraid I will be uncomfortable on the long flight - and not really able to sleep. Whether I am nosy, or a light sleeper, I am afraid I will be restless - and hence, not rest. And of course I will worry about K and his actions and reactions. I am afraid others will disturb me and yes, that I will miss something. I am not afraid of the plane going down - if that happens there will be nothing I can do, and as much as I don't think I am "ready" to die - I am comfortable with the idea of being dead/with God. And I can think of lots worse things than being dead. I am concerned that we be in plenty of time to the airport, but then what will we do with all the waiting times? For this trip I am a bit concerned that my time will be taken up with some things I don't care about as much and that the time we have to simply absorb and see and learn, will be so short.
And then it will all be over - Lord, let me learn, see, do absorb what You have in mind for me.
The bit about Advanced Directives - I will do a separate post about that and when I am "done" will print it out.
Now it's time to make soup for dinner.
For along time the touch pad on this laptop did not "work" - and then it came back to life. Now as I type, I have to remember the exercise I was taught in piano - to keep my wrists up so I am not leaning - at this time on the touch pad - then it was on the keyboard,
Another thought - we are going to Ireland soon, and I find that a lot of my random thoughts circle around that topic. Like some need for "final instructions" as has happened before, I am sure that is a combination of that about the question about Advanced Directives every time I go to a doctors' office or health care facility, combined with Rick Blackshire abrupt death. More on that topic some other time - or later, who knows,
The other topic is my ongoing search for a spiritual formation group. Someone to discuss my random thoughts - to check in with, as it would be. I finished reading the Daniel Wolpert book on praryer - Creating a Life with God. How neat it would be to just share the various prayer practices, trying them out - like we did at the 5 Day academy last fall, I tried to send out feelers about this and only one person responded with real interehest - then she got a grandson and I really have not pursued it anymore. I am not toally sure why I don't really explore this with A - I feel ike she is so far advanced in her spiritual life, I guess. And I have talked about it with L - but other topics come up in that one hour a month.
Over the last few months there have been plenty of times that I have sat in silence - and I have continued to pursue - develop? - my spirit based sense. There are several authors whose writings I feel I strongley "relate" to. Joan Chitester, Daniel Wolpert, Barbara Brown Taylor - Alicia Rapking. It is like they are common folks that "get" the way I feel. Beyond Benedict, or Teresa of Avila, or some other greats the spiritual people quote.
As I think about flying to Ireland, there a few things I am afraid of, and a few that I am not. I am afraid I will be uncomfortable on the long flight - and not really able to sleep. Whether I am nosy, or a light sleeper, I am afraid I will be restless - and hence, not rest. And of course I will worry about K and his actions and reactions. I am afraid others will disturb me and yes, that I will miss something. I am not afraid of the plane going down - if that happens there will be nothing I can do, and as much as I don't think I am "ready" to die - I am comfortable with the idea of being dead/with God. And I can think of lots worse things than being dead. I am concerned that we be in plenty of time to the airport, but then what will we do with all the waiting times? For this trip I am a bit concerned that my time will be taken up with some things I don't care about as much and that the time we have to simply absorb and see and learn, will be so short.
And then it will all be over - Lord, let me learn, see, do absorb what You have in mind for me.
The bit about Advanced Directives - I will do a separate post about that and when I am "done" will print it out.
Now it's time to make soup for dinner.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Sudden death
Last week our son-in-law died very suddenly. It is hard for me to describe the way my head was in a fog when our daughter called at 3AM - Mommy - pray - it doesn't look good. Her husband had collapsed and with all her ICU knowledge and various others to help, he was unable to be revived. 43 years old, and gone. Yes, he had known heart issues, 3 open heart procedures, the last not quite 3 yrs ago. But he (they) were just here on Dec 27 and all seemed well. And it hit me that my baby - was a widow at 46.
Through all the time went spent with her, I mostly watched her - watched out for her, and of course the girls, now fatherless at 19 and 16. When her father called her on Tuesday (8 days after) he was the first to tell her some of the things she will now need to do as his surviving spouse. I want to just take over and do for her, but even last Friday it was apparent I need to let her do this at her pace.
And yesterday as I took a walk, I found myself remembering that walk home in Dec of 1949 as my father walked me home from our neighbors where I had been staying for the days between my mother's stroke and death. She was 41, I was then 7 yrs old. As I walked in some residual snow yesterday I wondered if it had been a snowy walk then, almost 65 yrs ago.
I have not remembered much from that time (and almost none from before that). But as I walked I felt like I remembered being kept apart - isolated - while people comforted my father and my mother's sisters comforted each other. Do I remember being told I was to take care of my father? Is that the beginning of my need to take care of others - to relieve other's burdens? I am quite sure that is the beginning of the way there are times I feel "invisible". When I came home I looked up times and dates - my mother collapsed on Monday afternoon and I think it was Tues afternoon that I was allowed to visit her. At that time care was in the home, not in a hospital. I can remember her just laying there, and not responding to me. Then the obituary said she died at 6:30pm on Weds, but it was the next morning when my father told me. And we walked home home crying.
So, today as I was walking, I noticed how the geese were in small groups, but all part of a big group. Sometimes there would be a single goose off to the side, but one would honk and the lone one would wander back to the group. And I am reminded about the story of geese migrating. They fly in a V formation and (so the lore goes) honk encouragement at the leader, and when the leader tires. another will take the lead and let the lead goose drop back where he/she can use the trailing wind to rest a bit.
And it strikes me that I can be like a goose. I am comfortable taking my turn in the lead, but I like to be encouraged, and I like to know I can drop back and coast while someone else takes the lead.
But I also realized that geese, and cows, and yes, myself, like to be in a group. And there are times I need to be by myself, But I thrive in a community. And I am so glad to be part of the community of church. To know that when I am suffering, someone else is supporting me if not in presence, surely in prayer. So, when I need to be strong for our daughter, someone else is in communion with me, like layers of supporting blocks, with Christ as the primary support.
So, may we all find comfort in our own sense of community, but may my precious daughter and granddaughters find the comfort of their own community, just as I have mine in my fellow believers.
Grace and Peace to all
Through all the time went spent with her, I mostly watched her - watched out for her, and of course the girls, now fatherless at 19 and 16. When her father called her on Tuesday (8 days after) he was the first to tell her some of the things she will now need to do as his surviving spouse. I want to just take over and do for her, but even last Friday it was apparent I need to let her do this at her pace.
And yesterday as I took a walk, I found myself remembering that walk home in Dec of 1949 as my father walked me home from our neighbors where I had been staying for the days between my mother's stroke and death. She was 41, I was then 7 yrs old. As I walked in some residual snow yesterday I wondered if it had been a snowy walk then, almost 65 yrs ago.
I have not remembered much from that time (and almost none from before that). But as I walked I felt like I remembered being kept apart - isolated - while people comforted my father and my mother's sisters comforted each other. Do I remember being told I was to take care of my father? Is that the beginning of my need to take care of others - to relieve other's burdens? I am quite sure that is the beginning of the way there are times I feel "invisible". When I came home I looked up times and dates - my mother collapsed on Monday afternoon and I think it was Tues afternoon that I was allowed to visit her. At that time care was in the home, not in a hospital. I can remember her just laying there, and not responding to me. Then the obituary said she died at 6:30pm on Weds, but it was the next morning when my father told me. And we walked home home crying.
So, today as I was walking, I noticed how the geese were in small groups, but all part of a big group. Sometimes there would be a single goose off to the side, but one would honk and the lone one would wander back to the group. And I am reminded about the story of geese migrating. They fly in a V formation and (so the lore goes) honk encouragement at the leader, and when the leader tires. another will take the lead and let the lead goose drop back where he/she can use the trailing wind to rest a bit.
And it strikes me that I can be like a goose. I am comfortable taking my turn in the lead, but I like to be encouraged, and I like to know I can drop back and coast while someone else takes the lead.
But I also realized that geese, and cows, and yes, myself, like to be in a group. And there are times I need to be by myself, But I thrive in a community. And I am so glad to be part of the community of church. To know that when I am suffering, someone else is supporting me if not in presence, surely in prayer. So, when I need to be strong for our daughter, someone else is in communion with me, like layers of supporting blocks, with Christ as the primary support.
So, may we all find comfort in our own sense of community, but may my precious daughter and granddaughters find the comfort of their own community, just as I have mine in my fellow believers.
Grace and Peace to all
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Fall - another perspective
So this morning as I was doing my quiet time, I glanced out the window and thought "I wonder if there are enough leaves gone that I can see my "God light", and was rewarded with a blink of light off in the distance. Yeah! My reward for the plain-ness of winter is that light.
I call this my "God light" because I know it is there even when I can not see it. Just like God. I know He is always with me, even when things do not seem to be going the way I want them to be. So, while I am not at all ready for the potential weather that will cause me to feel isolated, I welcome the loss of the leaves on the trees so I can see that light.
But the interesting part, is that I can't always see the light when I seek it. And I can not exactly explain why. I know that weather conditions will obscure it - and maybe when certain tree limbs are moved certain ways. And it's like I try too hard sometimes. But if I am still and keep my faith, it will pop into view. Just like God, it is always there - sometimes I try too hard, and sometimes I just need to "let go" and allow it to come into view.
But I KNOW God is always with me, and for that I am eternally grateful.
Amen
I call this my "God light" because I know it is there even when I can not see it. Just like God. I know He is always with me, even when things do not seem to be going the way I want them to be. So, while I am not at all ready for the potential weather that will cause me to feel isolated, I welcome the loss of the leaves on the trees so I can see that light.
But the interesting part, is that I can't always see the light when I seek it. And I can not exactly explain why. I know that weather conditions will obscure it - and maybe when certain tree limbs are moved certain ways. And it's like I try too hard sometimes. But if I am still and keep my faith, it will pop into view. Just like God, it is always there - sometimes I try too hard, and sometimes I just need to "let go" and allow it to come into view.
But I KNOW God is always with me, and for that I am eternally grateful.
Amen
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Autumn thoughts
It has been a while since I put any work or words into this Blog. And as I sit here and look out my window, I notice that as some of the taller/larger trees have lost their leaves, I can see other trees and bushes that still have colorful leaves. Isn't that the way it is with people? Sometimes we can't see the quieter folks for those that seem to be more overt.
I have been very aware that I need quiet time to listen and to just be. I attended a 5 Day Academy in Spiritual Formation in September, that was so powerful on many levels. Not the least of which was an acknowledgement that I am unique, but not really different. A spiritual connection that I tried to describe in a message to my fellow congregants a couple Sundays ago,
And then I have considered letting others know about this blog- do I have something to share that someone else might find useful? Is it my time as a less visible tree to open myself to others?
I will listen.
I have been very aware that I need quiet time to listen and to just be. I attended a 5 Day Academy in Spiritual Formation in September, that was so powerful on many levels. Not the least of which was an acknowledgement that I am unique, but not really different. A spiritual connection that I tried to describe in a message to my fellow congregants a couple Sundays ago,
And then I have considered letting others know about this blog- do I have something to share that someone else might find useful? Is it my time as a less visible tree to open myself to others?
I will listen.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Loaves and fishes and covered dish dinners
As I read Matthew 14: 13-21 I was struck (again) at how this story ties in with so much of what I see in the church. Jesus is in mourning - immediately before this we read of the beheading of John the Baptist (his cousin and the person that set the tone for Jesus's ministry). Jesus tried to get away and the people followed him. So, it's meal time, and the disciples ask what they can do about feeding the people - a pretty common question.
Now I am both a pretty literal person, and a realist. In my mind there is NO WAY 2 loaves and 5 small fish, meant to nourish one person, could feed 5,000. So here is my take on the matter. Jesus blessed the loaves and fishes, and as they started to pass them in baskets, many of the people that had travelled had a bit of food with them, which they then shared, and as is common at most of the covered dish meals I've attended and helped serve, they ended up with more left over than they thought they had at the start.
And this ties in so well with the sharing of the resources in Acts. People sold their holding and gave to the church for the welfare of those in need. The need to take care of each other out of love is the basis of Christianity - to love one another as you love God and yourself.
The sharing of love and community meals- even at funeral meals when it is rare to not hear the sound of laughter. God loves us, no matter what, and I believe when we laugh, He laughs with us.
Now I am both a pretty literal person, and a realist. In my mind there is NO WAY 2 loaves and 5 small fish, meant to nourish one person, could feed 5,000. So here is my take on the matter. Jesus blessed the loaves and fishes, and as they started to pass them in baskets, many of the people that had travelled had a bit of food with them, which they then shared, and as is common at most of the covered dish meals I've attended and helped serve, they ended up with more left over than they thought they had at the start.
And this ties in so well with the sharing of the resources in Acts. People sold their holding and gave to the church for the welfare of those in need. The need to take care of each other out of love is the basis of Christianity - to love one another as you love God and yourself.
The sharing of love and community meals- even at funeral meals when it is rare to not hear the sound of laughter. God loves us, no matter what, and I believe when we laugh, He laughs with us.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Jimmie
Funny how a day that seemed like a good, fun day, can turn sour so quickly. And how fear for one's loved one can seem not so bad - and yet it is.
Yesterday K and I went to a local "wildlife center" - sort of zoo on a country road in a wooded area. Fun to see giraffes pretty much up close - and various monkeys, even a donkey and of course the lions and tigers and a syrian bear. And then, just at news time, K had checked facebook briefly and commented that someone had lifted one of our granddaughters and her family in prayer. They are having Fair time in their county.
After several attempts to get hold of the family, and communication with her uncle via chat, someone in the "crowd" posted that B had fallen with her horse while barrel racing, and B was scratched and bruised but her horse was mortally hurt. Relief it was not B, and such an ache for her and her family as I know how much they "love" that horse and how much riding means to B.
And as a mother and grandmother I can't really "fix" this. When they are ready to contact me, I can offer some financial assistance - but I can't fix the loss of a part of their family, or the disappointment of plans for the summer that won't be the same.
But I can hold them in my heart and my prayers. And I can rejoice that my son responded in the same concern that I did from a well intentioned facebook post. We are not always as "close" as I would like us to be.
Do they hold funerals for horses? This morning I am mourning with their family - my family. Mourning the loss of the horse that was part of their family. That B had spent countless hours feeding, training, riding, etc And a not insignificant financial loss - and that has to be in their hearts too and they will be feeling guilty for worrying about that part.
I know God is with them and all of us in this. Maybe this is what her g-grandmother's money for her is to be used for?
Lord, in your mercy
Yesterday K and I went to a local "wildlife center" - sort of zoo on a country road in a wooded area. Fun to see giraffes pretty much up close - and various monkeys, even a donkey and of course the lions and tigers and a syrian bear. And then, just at news time, K had checked facebook briefly and commented that someone had lifted one of our granddaughters and her family in prayer. They are having Fair time in their county.
After several attempts to get hold of the family, and communication with her uncle via chat, someone in the "crowd" posted that B had fallen with her horse while barrel racing, and B was scratched and bruised but her horse was mortally hurt. Relief it was not B, and such an ache for her and her family as I know how much they "love" that horse and how much riding means to B.
And as a mother and grandmother I can't really "fix" this. When they are ready to contact me, I can offer some financial assistance - but I can't fix the loss of a part of their family, or the disappointment of plans for the summer that won't be the same.
But I can hold them in my heart and my prayers. And I can rejoice that my son responded in the same concern that I did from a well intentioned facebook post. We are not always as "close" as I would like us to be.
Do they hold funerals for horses? This morning I am mourning with their family - my family. Mourning the loss of the horse that was part of their family. That B had spent countless hours feeding, training, riding, etc And a not insignificant financial loss - and that has to be in their hearts too and they will be feeling guilty for worrying about that part.
I know God is with them and all of us in this. Maybe this is what her g-grandmother's money for her is to be used for?
Lord, in your mercy
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