prayer - An Altar in the World

Just finished the chapter on the Practice of being Present to God.  Reminds me so much I hunger for the spiritual direction/discussion group.  This is a book club selection - and I chose to not attend the meeting which is today, as it is also the day the JUMC is preparing ramps for their ramp dinner.  In a self interest in continuing the relationship I have with members of JUMC, I chose to stay here.  Initially I thought this was not a good book to discuss at book group - and I guess I still feel that way, though now I hunger to discuss it. 

And yes, I hunger to discuss this type of issue - being present to God.  I do not think I am "better" than someone else - but miss the opportunity to share this level of discussion - I sense that many other people, no less "religious" or "spiritual" than myself would think I was off my rocker.  I do not yearn to be a pastor, just to be a person more "in touch" with God.  I am learning, over and over, and not making much progress, that what I think I want, may be different than what God wants for me. 

As I think about my deep desire to be in touch with Rick and be more in his life, I realize that comes with some concerns/ restrictions.  Am I ready to give up my church life, my choir, bells etc to be more available to him?  Is simply being the person that carried him before he had the ability to sustain himself, does that make me due him coming to us? 

I remember how desolate and alone I felt the night after my last "accident" and how, in the dark of the night I somehow sensed that  I did have value and worth - and that I chose then to look up hymns and sing. albeit to myself.  I am not sure how many people would understand that - but I KNOW Alicia would.

So, now I will write a short email to her, and my day will continue as I get ready to go help prepare ramps,

thanks be to GOD!

April 10, 2012

Knitting the Matrix shawl has become a real project.  Went to Elkins again on Saturday to discuss and verify my thoughts.  Sunday night I joined the long strips to the vest back and did the instructed K2 yarn over increases and as Sandra suspected, it did leave holes, so last night I started to take out the two new rows - invested over an hour and only have part of the k1p1 rib out, but I will persist and get it back to the increase row and do it as k2, increases.  I surely hope this is worth the time and money I have put into this.  And I certainly did need the 47" cord on the circular needle to hold all the stitches, though it is long and heavy.  Now we need to plan to go to the fall retreat so I can "show off" my matrix vest!  *and I need to get it completed by then, bu t that should happen once I get the increase row down.  I put a marker in where the "row" starts to have it to do my row counts. 

February confessions

This may well be rambling, but I feel the need to put some ideas down - and maybe at some point I will figure out where to go for the help Alicia used to provide - but as our relationship is now different, I am not sure she is where I should turn.

When I was "happiest" I was involved in a couple different church study groups - in Disiciple, in Companions in Christ.  I had a daily purpose to read, ponder and reflect, and then an opportunity to discuss.  We were more involved in each other and there was a sense that people - someone - really cared about me/us.  As Alicia got busier, and then left our charge, that pretty much dissolved.  Tim tried to lead us in Disciple, but he more taught than led - his insecurity or mine....

When I have tried to approach him with a concern, I do not feel led by spirit - I am not so much looking for "advice" as guidance.  So  maybe what I am seeking is Spiritual formation for lay people.  hah

With having to go to spend time in Ripley I have really felt alone.  I have literally needed to give up my life to be there for the girls, and they seem either unaware or  ungrateful.  I have eased their mother's mind to some degree, but with this texting and cell phones, the decisions have really not been  mine at all, past what to have for supper.  (And everyone knows I am somewhere between tired of making those decisions and hate to have to make that decision every day!).

Then I feel guilty because all I really want to do is be home and live my own life.  And surely no one wants that to happen more than Rick and Robin.  So then I feel guilty for being so self-centered.  Keith and I are both so not wanting to go back there today.  The lemons I make lemonade from are now withered and dry. without some sense of appreciation, I just feel empty.

So Lord, if it is anywhere close to your will, may Rick be discharged soon, may life return to some degree of normal for all of us, including our cat.  May I not have to be the buffer between Keith, the animals and the girls.  May I accept your will and be a better person, a better Christian example for it.  More Mary and less Martha?  More prodigal son and less the son that stayed home.

sanctification

I have forgotten the names for all the steps in the progression of faith in the Wesleyan tradition.  I remember I am granted Grace - it is free from God.  He claims me and my acceptance is justification.  I hear discussion of saints as not just being people like Mother Teresa, esp not just of dead people.

Today I read 1Thesselonians 5:23-24 and the commentary in my Bible, also the Upper Room Discipline reading on this passage and it is helping me come to a better understanding of sactification.

Here is what I now think I understand - (don't just love the specificity-)
Sanctification is being set apart by God and results in our doing what is best.  Again, it is an action by God that comes with expectations of good living - of doing good things., and not the RESULT of this.  Same as grace is from god and not a reward.   That is the difficult thing for us to get.  Jesus came to save us- took away our punishment and our reward is salvation.  AS A RESULT OF THAT LOVE, WE ARE TO ACT CHRISTLIKE.  God has already taken the action.  What we do with that shows him our love back to him.  He acted first, let my actions be ones that reflect my thanksgiving.
Thanks be to God. 

Anniversary dates

For some people, anniversary dates are important - something they never forget.  I worked with a nurse that always took the date of her wedding anniverary off.  Sometimes mine almost skirt by and I hardly notice.  When Alicia renewed my baptism, she gave me a candle to light on that date each year.  I think I remember the date - may 14th - but I am not totally sure.  I do remember, powerfully, that act of rededication - I suppose of reaffirmation by a formal covenant with God.  And I strongly remember that time as when Keith started attending church services with me.  I also remember the wisdom and guidance of Alicia, who is still a strong person in my spiritual life, even tho, in her words - she is not my pastor any more.  She is, but not in formal naming.  And I have as a mantra, especially on days that are not as cheerful - that both Who I am and WHOSE I am.  Thanks be to God!

When morning gilds the skies..

Where did I first learn that hymn?  Some hymns, or phrases, are so deep into my memory I have no idea where I learned them.  I am convinced that we had devotions with hymn singing at the camp I attended for several summers. 
I know Mother/Flo and Dad and all of us went to church regularly.  Of course there was no hymn singing at George School.  And now I get to be part of a church choir.  In fact, today I will go early to JUMC to sing with their choir at Kathy's request, even tho Crim will not have choir singing today. 
I love sitting in my kitchen window, even on cold mornings, and feeling the sun come up and hit my back. Of course then i need to close the curtain to be able to keep the sun off the computer screen.

Maybe I should start "writing down" some of the few memories I have from my childhood and maybe that will trigger more memories.  LIke the story I wrote of the red courdory set mother made for me.  And was my concern about spoiling the outfit because I had been beaten for hiding my underwear? And is that why I am so almost obsessive of keeping my dirty clothes rounded up?

We certainly had our issues, Flo and I, in my childhood. 

And there are definitely sky related issues that sometime, no matter how I hold my head, I can not see the tower light I call my "God light" - but like God, I know it is out there.

Prayer shawl?

I have been thinking a lot about our prayer shawl ministry this AM.  I woke wondering and ?worrying? about Advent knitting, a meeting soon, silent sermon, why are we in a period of down? was this just an Alicia thing?  In trying to discern how active to be or is this something I should let go of, I realized that in some way I think this is tied to my identity.  Will I loose part of my identity/purpose if this disbands? and yet there is definitely an ongoing need for prayer shawls - Elaine asked about one for Pam  and I wonder if Alicia has made one for her friend Robin - or could Lewis use one as a physical symbol of our love and support for him?

And tied into all of this is my compassion for those in the LGBT community.  As I pray and ponder this, I can not get past the fact that God loves us all - the oddballs, the outcasts, etc., so how is it that the "church" can tell someone that they can not be all they want or feel called to be?