Feeling sort of discouraged today. The walking thing seems like the only thing I am losing is sleep. Up when I wake each morning - I have only missed one day other than my Sunday rest days, and yesterday's weight was up 2 lbs.
Also continue to feel discouraged that I/we put so much effort into maintaining relationships with others, and it seems like no one then can be bothered to come by here to check on us. Should I set specific date invitations? Admittedly, I am not good at just stopping by, except doing so in Buckhannon.
And I am discouraged in that I miss what I am going to call "spiritual direction". I miss the opportunities to explore what God might be saying to me - I can not depend on Alicia for that, she has made it very plain to me that she is now family, not my pastor. And I am having a difficult time with Tim as my spiritual director. I don't think that his alignment in pastoring. I want more that a bible study of what did it mean, and more of what does it me to me, to my life now. Gotta keep searching for that.
All of which makes me feel very self-centered. Other people have real problems, and I whine because I feel left out. I am very frustrated by the fact that I can not train, much less contain the grapevine that is overtaking everything, and the multiflora rose. Fallen trees that have (some of them) lain uncut for years. Poison ivy that is overtaking too much of our "yard" with no one caring but me, but I get "I'll take care of that" when I complain..... but nothing is ever done.
OK, I have ranted on enough. Time to get off my duff and do a bit of that trimming around the driveway, then I can clean up. I may be the only one that cares or notices, but I am someone and I am important if not to anyone else, to me and to God.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
grousing - well whining
OK, this being out of electricity and running the generator is really getting old, but I am very grateful to be able to do that. So far, we lost electricity on 6/29 about 7:30PM, got power back on Sunday 7/1 at 7:40 PM and then lost it in a storm at 10:40pm. On calling Mon power I was told they knew of our outage and reported to me the number I had been assigned on Friday PM. -
On MOnday 7/2 I again called in with no power and again the original number was reported to me. Of course all of this is via computer. I am uneasy that some one will come along and note that our original outage had been cleared and remove us from the list of concerns. I know Sam has been in communication with his close friend John Cutright who is assessor and part of what I consider to be people in the know.
Tuesday I met up with Susie Cvechko in the grocery store and she commented that in an assessment meeting with the Com Center there had been no mention of outage on Union road. Tues PM went to VBS and it was nice to be out of the house for a while, but hot on return.
July 4 we did make a trip to Alicia's and took King. Nice to have a few hours away from the house, but of course it was almost dark, hot and stuffy when we got home. House never did get cool for the night.
Thursday I called the power company AGAIN and this time was given another new number - again makes me feel like we had been overlooked. House at bedtime in high 80's - fan gives little respite. Washed clothes and hung them on the drying rack outside -
Friday, called power company again and given same (newer) number. Recording says they hope to have all of Barbour County on by Sunday PM. Went to VBS. Temp in LR at bedtime is 88.
Saturday Dewey calls to tell me there is a switch thrown on a pole by the Independence Church. Of course all I get from the Power company is the same recorded nonsense. Sam assures me he had talked to a human being and they were aware of our issue. I gave up and called the Com Center and a person there said there were trucks staged in the County at Tacy and they would be sure the folks got our message about the switch - they were aware this outage in the Indepenece area. For me to call when I got power and if I did not to call back in 4-5 hrs and let them know. I called back at 4PM or so and told them. Have seen power repair trucks past our house today for the first time. Found at at the store that there has been no power up the Independence "holler" at all since the storm on Friday and there are lines down in the field which have been reported. Keith and I spent time on the back deck as the heat is still bad there but not in the sun and some breeze. When I went in to fix us some dinner, I found a message from Com Center that we should have power by 8PM and if we did not to call again and they would again see if something could be done. As we were getting ready to go buy more gas to fill and run the generator through the night for the first time due to now oppressive heat - we were going to run a fan in the BR through the night- power came on about 7:55PM. Halleluia!
After a fairly normal night, minus generator and house finally cooled to the 75 degrees, and the air conditioner is running quite a bit, we went to town to eat about 2PM, another hard storm hit and when we came home we again had NO POWER! I called Mon Power, second number is repeated as if never better (never did get a call telling us the power was on, btw). Called the Com center and after I asked if they had any more miracles, again said our power was off and I was not sure the company would pick it up.
So, here it is 9PM, back on the generator, so far about$100 spent on fuel, and we face another indeterminate period of time without power. We have heard that some of the folks further up the road (that had power from Sunday to today) have had power returned, and others have not. Some have never yet had power issues. I am fed up, have no idea where else to turn, am tired of feeling slighted and am just plan bitchy. I know there are people worse off than I, I know the power company folks are working hard in all this heat, but if I could have a human say they will help take care of the problem i would be much happier.
End of rant - for now at least.
On MOnday 7/2 I again called in with no power and again the original number was reported to me. Of course all of this is via computer. I am uneasy that some one will come along and note that our original outage had been cleared and remove us from the list of concerns. I know Sam has been in communication with his close friend John Cutright who is assessor and part of what I consider to be people in the know.
Tuesday I met up with Susie Cvechko in the grocery store and she commented that in an assessment meeting with the Com Center there had been no mention of outage on Union road. Tues PM went to VBS and it was nice to be out of the house for a while, but hot on return.
July 4 we did make a trip to Alicia's and took King. Nice to have a few hours away from the house, but of course it was almost dark, hot and stuffy when we got home. House never did get cool for the night.
Thursday I called the power company AGAIN and this time was given another new number - again makes me feel like we had been overlooked. House at bedtime in high 80's - fan gives little respite. Washed clothes and hung them on the drying rack outside -
Friday, called power company again and given same (newer) number. Recording says they hope to have all of Barbour County on by Sunday PM. Went to VBS. Temp in LR at bedtime is 88.
Saturday Dewey calls to tell me there is a switch thrown on a pole by the Independence Church. Of course all I get from the Power company is the same recorded nonsense. Sam assures me he had talked to a human being and they were aware of our issue. I gave up and called the Com Center and a person there said there were trucks staged in the County at Tacy and they would be sure the folks got our message about the switch - they were aware this outage in the Indepenece area. For me to call when I got power and if I did not to call back in 4-5 hrs and let them know. I called back at 4PM or so and told them. Have seen power repair trucks past our house today for the first time. Found at at the store that there has been no power up the Independence "holler" at all since the storm on Friday and there are lines down in the field which have been reported. Keith and I spent time on the back deck as the heat is still bad there but not in the sun and some breeze. When I went in to fix us some dinner, I found a message from Com Center that we should have power by 8PM and if we did not to call again and they would again see if something could be done. As we were getting ready to go buy more gas to fill and run the generator through the night for the first time due to now oppressive heat - we were going to run a fan in the BR through the night- power came on about 7:55PM. Halleluia!
After a fairly normal night, minus generator and house finally cooled to the 75 degrees, and the air conditioner is running quite a bit, we went to town to eat about 2PM, another hard storm hit and when we came home we again had NO POWER! I called Mon Power, second number is repeated as if never better (never did get a call telling us the power was on, btw). Called the Com center and after I asked if they had any more miracles, again said our power was off and I was not sure the company would pick it up.
So, here it is 9PM, back on the generator, so far about$100 spent on fuel, and we face another indeterminate period of time without power. We have heard that some of the folks further up the road (that had power from Sunday to today) have had power returned, and others have not. Some have never yet had power issues. I am fed up, have no idea where else to turn, am tired of feeling slighted and am just plan bitchy. I know there are people worse off than I, I know the power company folks are working hard in all this heat, but if I could have a human say they will help take care of the problem i would be much happier.
End of rant - for now at least.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
On the road again
Today I am off to Annual Conference - all the way to Buckhannon. I have been "on the road" so much recently, that truthfully I'd like to just go over there and work in Alicia's yard/garden and sit and talk a bit - or sit and listen. I really enjoy the worship and music times but get a bit bored with the actual work of the church.
I am ready tho to sit and worship a bit more. I've missed several Sunday services recently. With the recent conversations I had with brother Walter, I am coming to terms with my passion for UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. I continue to be hurt, I guess, by the fact that my father never accepted my decision/choice to marry in December 1964 here in Philippi. There have been times when I thought I had forgiven him and accepted that, but I am not sure I have.
And that hurt, that sense of abandonment is the reason I refuse to give up on Rick or on Lindsey. Mother Florence was so wise to insist on keeping in touch with me. Was my father's behavior so rooted in his patriach background as a 1st generation American? I feel like I can't know.
So in a few minutes I will pack again... go to the church to take care of some things there including getting the buckets and kits ready to go, then home and help Pat with a knitting problem and meet the Elaines to be off. Except this time I will take a few gardening things and 4 tomato plants. Maybe working in the dirt there will help me feel some peace.
I liked Rev Marvin Carr's response to communion "Grace and Peace". I was humbled to serve him communion, as I would be to serve Alicia and many other Pastors whom I hold in great respect.
Time to get moving!
I am ready tho to sit and worship a bit more. I've missed several Sunday services recently. With the recent conversations I had with brother Walter, I am coming to terms with my passion for UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. I continue to be hurt, I guess, by the fact that my father never accepted my decision/choice to marry in December 1964 here in Philippi. There have been times when I thought I had forgiven him and accepted that, but I am not sure I have.
And that hurt, that sense of abandonment is the reason I refuse to give up on Rick or on Lindsey. Mother Florence was so wise to insist on keeping in touch with me. Was my father's behavior so rooted in his patriach background as a 1st generation American? I feel like I can't know.
So in a few minutes I will pack again... go to the church to take care of some things there including getting the buckets and kits ready to go, then home and help Pat with a knitting problem and meet the Elaines to be off. Except this time I will take a few gardening things and 4 tomato plants. Maybe working in the dirt there will help me feel some peace.
I liked Rev Marvin Carr's response to communion "Grace and Peace". I was humbled to serve him communion, as I would be to serve Alicia and many other Pastors whom I hold in great respect.
Time to get moving!
Friday, May 18, 2012
"Friendship"
Today I read Sandpiper's Thoughts and the Epistle reading of 1John 5: 9-13. Being a "friend" has so many levels of meaning to me and I suspect to others, in today's world. Reminds me of the words we might say to each other - "of you (loved me/ were my friend) you would do (such and such). Quakers are the Society of Friends - on Facebook we have Friends - sometimes people we have never met.
Then there are people we are conversant with and they are my friends. And people I worship with - they are my friends. Neighbors are my friends - even the ones I would rather not spend much time around...
I say that since my children became adults, we can be friends. And I have people that are friends, that I consider family.
So, if Jesus chose me to be his friend, which has been written in the bible, should I not accept that friendship and hold it with the higher level of friend such as my children and those I consider family? And if I am Jesus' friend, then it is up to me to be an example of the kind of friend I hold most dear, not the ones I prefer not to spend time around?
So God, today especially, let me be the kind of friend you want me to be - the kind I want to share time and space with - let me be a witness to your unending, unconditional love. Let this be my prayer and my action, today and always.... though I am human ....
Thanks be to God.
Then there are people we are conversant with and they are my friends. And people I worship with - they are my friends. Neighbors are my friends - even the ones I would rather not spend much time around...
I say that since my children became adults, we can be friends. And I have people that are friends, that I consider family.
So, if Jesus chose me to be his friend, which has been written in the bible, should I not accept that friendship and hold it with the higher level of friend such as my children and those I consider family? And if I am Jesus' friend, then it is up to me to be an example of the kind of friend I hold most dear, not the ones I prefer not to spend time around?
So God, today especially, let me be the kind of friend you want me to be - the kind I want to share time and space with - let me be a witness to your unending, unconditional love. Let this be my prayer and my action, today and always.... though I am human ....
Thanks be to God.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
prayer - An Altar in the World
Just finished the chapter on the Practice of being Present to God. Reminds me so much I hunger for the spiritual direction/discussion group. This is a book club selection - and I chose to not attend the meeting which is today, as it is also the day the JUMC is preparing ramps for their ramp dinner. In a self interest in continuing the relationship I have with members of JUMC, I chose to stay here. Initially I thought this was not a good book to discuss at book group - and I guess I still feel that way, though now I hunger to discuss it.
And yes, I hunger to discuss this type of issue - being present to God. I do not think I am "better" than someone else - but miss the opportunity to share this level of discussion - I sense that many other people, no less "religious" or "spiritual" than myself would think I was off my rocker. I do not yearn to be a pastor, just to be a person more "in touch" with God. I am learning, over and over, and not making much progress, that what I think I want, may be different than what God wants for me.
As I think about my deep desire to be in touch with Rick and be more in his life, I realize that comes with some concerns/ restrictions. Am I ready to give up my church life, my choir, bells etc to be more available to him? Is simply being the person that carried him before he had the ability to sustain himself, does that make me due him coming to us?
I remember how desolate and alone I felt the night after my last "accident" and how, in the dark of the night I somehow sensed that I did have value and worth - and that I chose then to look up hymns and sing. albeit to myself. I am not sure how many people would understand that - but I KNOW Alicia would.
So, now I will write a short email to her, and my day will continue as I get ready to go help prepare ramps,
thanks be to GOD!
And yes, I hunger to discuss this type of issue - being present to God. I do not think I am "better" than someone else - but miss the opportunity to share this level of discussion - I sense that many other people, no less "religious" or "spiritual" than myself would think I was off my rocker. I do not yearn to be a pastor, just to be a person more "in touch" with God. I am learning, over and over, and not making much progress, that what I think I want, may be different than what God wants for me.
As I think about my deep desire to be in touch with Rick and be more in his life, I realize that comes with some concerns/ restrictions. Am I ready to give up my church life, my choir, bells etc to be more available to him? Is simply being the person that carried him before he had the ability to sustain himself, does that make me due him coming to us?
I remember how desolate and alone I felt the night after my last "accident" and how, in the dark of the night I somehow sensed that I did have value and worth - and that I chose then to look up hymns and sing. albeit to myself. I am not sure how many people would understand that - but I KNOW Alicia would.
So, now I will write a short email to her, and my day will continue as I get ready to go help prepare ramps,
thanks be to GOD!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
April 10, 2012
Knitting the Matrix shawl has become a real project. Went to Elkins again on Saturday to discuss and verify my thoughts. Sunday night I joined the long strips to the vest back and did the instructed K2 yarn over increases and as Sandra suspected, it did leave holes, so last night I started to take out the two new rows - invested over an hour and only have part of the k1p1 rib out, but I will persist and get it back to the increase row and do it as k2, increases. I surely hope this is worth the time and money I have put into this. And I certainly did need the 47" cord on the circular needle to hold all the stitches, though it is long and heavy. Now we need to plan to go to the fall retreat so I can "show off" my matrix vest! *and I need to get it completed by then, bu t that should happen once I get the increase row down. I put a marker in where the "row" starts to have it to do my row counts.
Monday, February 13, 2012
February confessions
This may well be rambling, but I feel the need to put some ideas down - and maybe at some point I will figure out where to go for the help Alicia used to provide - but as our relationship is now different, I am not sure she is where I should turn.
When I was "happiest" I was involved in a couple different church study groups - in Disiciple, in Companions in Christ. I had a daily purpose to read, ponder and reflect, and then an opportunity to discuss. We were more involved in each other and there was a sense that people - someone - really cared about me/us. As Alicia got busier, and then left our charge, that pretty much dissolved. Tim tried to lead us in Disciple, but he more taught than led - his insecurity or mine....
When I have tried to approach him with a concern, I do not feel led by spirit - I am not so much looking for "advice" as guidance. So maybe what I am seeking is Spiritual formation for lay people. hah
With having to go to spend time in Ripley I have really felt alone. I have literally needed to give up my life to be there for the girls, and they seem either unaware or ungrateful. I have eased their mother's mind to some degree, but with this texting and cell phones, the decisions have really not been mine at all, past what to have for supper. (And everyone knows I am somewhere between tired of making those decisions and hate to have to make that decision every day!).
Then I feel guilty because all I really want to do is be home and live my own life. And surely no one wants that to happen more than Rick and Robin. So then I feel guilty for being so self-centered. Keith and I are both so not wanting to go back there today. The lemons I make lemonade from are now withered and dry. without some sense of appreciation, I just feel empty.
So Lord, if it is anywhere close to your will, may Rick be discharged soon, may life return to some degree of normal for all of us, including our cat. May I not have to be the buffer between Keith, the animals and the girls. May I accept your will and be a better person, a better Christian example for it. More Mary and less Martha? More prodigal son and less the son that stayed home.
When I was "happiest" I was involved in a couple different church study groups - in Disiciple, in Companions in Christ. I had a daily purpose to read, ponder and reflect, and then an opportunity to discuss. We were more involved in each other and there was a sense that people - someone - really cared about me/us. As Alicia got busier, and then left our charge, that pretty much dissolved. Tim tried to lead us in Disciple, but he more taught than led - his insecurity or mine....
When I have tried to approach him with a concern, I do not feel led by spirit - I am not so much looking for "advice" as guidance. So maybe what I am seeking is Spiritual formation for lay people. hah
With having to go to spend time in Ripley I have really felt alone. I have literally needed to give up my life to be there for the girls, and they seem either unaware or ungrateful. I have eased their mother's mind to some degree, but with this texting and cell phones, the decisions have really not been mine at all, past what to have for supper. (And everyone knows I am somewhere between tired of making those decisions and hate to have to make that decision every day!).
Then I feel guilty because all I really want to do is be home and live my own life. And surely no one wants that to happen more than Rick and Robin. So then I feel guilty for being so self-centered. Keith and I are both so not wanting to go back there today. The lemons I make lemonade from are now withered and dry. without some sense of appreciation, I just feel empty.
So Lord, if it is anywhere close to your will, may Rick be discharged soon, may life return to some degree of normal for all of us, including our cat. May I not have to be the buffer between Keith, the animals and the girls. May I accept your will and be a better person, a better Christian example for it. More Mary and less Martha? More prodigal son and less the son that stayed home.
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