Maybe I should have titled this success and failure. This AM I read the chapter on Success in Joan Chittester's book The Gift of Years Growing Older Gracefully. I certainly am not a success at family. My children rarely call, and frequently are not available when I call them. My grandchildren prefer electronic communication - the two that communicate - and seem to prefer to do that in social media. I have one brother than seems to prefer to be isolated in terms of communication and another with which I have infrequent communication. And my sister loves to talk but it seems only when I call her.
I have debated with myself if I am depressed. I don't think so - I think I am tired of making all the effort. My husband is content to have little outside contact - his idea of the ideal vacation spot is one that has free wi-fi and good tv reception. Many days our phone does not ring at all - and if it does, it is someone trying to sell us something or on some idea (think politician....).
I see the beauty of this changing season and am almost fearful of the next season of snow and potential isolation. I want to be doing things - improving the way our property looks, visiting with others, sharing new yarn I have gotten, the progress on projects, the way the spirit works in mysterious ways.
I am certainly not content with everything in my life. I am impatient to see progress - get the trimming done, have the apples canned (I did 7 qts apple pie filling yesterday) and have a chance to sit and talk - or walk and talk. I am content that my relationship with my Lord is mine to cultivate, to grow and to be responsive. I am thankful for my health and that of my close relatives.
Maybe I am too impatient with others. Again today, I will pray to be patient - to be open to the leading of the Holy Spirit - in His/Her own time.....
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Thankfulness
What a beautiful, fall morning. As I started this day, my prayer request was (and is-) that my life have meaning - make a difference. And the hymn "Great is thy faithfulness" is running through my head. Interesting is that the scripture for today in the Upper Room Disciplines, is Psalm 119: 137-144, and the concluding line, vs 144b is: "Give me understanding, and I shall live.".
I had a good overnight retreat last Fri and Sat in Charleston doing a "walk with Jesus" spiritual formation activity. We walked the labyrinth at St. Marks six different times. I can't even describe what it was like. I love the peace of walking in silence. You can always see the center - your goal, and yet there are times when you seem to be "almost there" and you are quite a way from arriving. And then, when you think you are farthest, you are lead right to the center. Is that how it is with some problems in life? When I struggle and think the answer is distant, it is close, and when I surrender and just let it go (Let go and Let God?), that the answer comes? Another observation that stuck with me was that if you are on the journey with others, at one point you will cross each others paths - get in the way? find a way to work around each other?. The only exception was when we met in the center..... hmmm.
This morning the phone rang and it was my daughter. I am disturbed at first by the phone ringing in the midst of "my time"- and I am tickled that she calls to talk. Things can't always be on my terms.... and even good things sometimes come as an interruption. Thanks, R, for being a great "interruption" in my life.
I realize I am struggling, in my personal life, with the desire to do it all, to have it all, but seemingly on my time plan. Life is not like that. I need to do a better job at having the words "Let go and Let God" do a better job of travelling those inches from my head to my heart.
And for all things, I am very thankful. May I share my thanks with all I see. Thanks be to God.
I had a good overnight retreat last Fri and Sat in Charleston doing a "walk with Jesus" spiritual formation activity. We walked the labyrinth at St. Marks six different times. I can't even describe what it was like. I love the peace of walking in silence. You can always see the center - your goal, and yet there are times when you seem to be "almost there" and you are quite a way from arriving. And then, when you think you are farthest, you are lead right to the center. Is that how it is with some problems in life? When I struggle and think the answer is distant, it is close, and when I surrender and just let it go (Let go and Let God?), that the answer comes? Another observation that stuck with me was that if you are on the journey with others, at one point you will cross each others paths - get in the way? find a way to work around each other?. The only exception was when we met in the center..... hmmm.
This morning the phone rang and it was my daughter. I am disturbed at first by the phone ringing in the midst of "my time"- and I am tickled that she calls to talk. Things can't always be on my terms.... and even good things sometimes come as an interruption. Thanks, R, for being a great "interruption" in my life.
I realize I am struggling, in my personal life, with the desire to do it all, to have it all, but seemingly on my time plan. Life is not like that. I need to do a better job at having the words "Let go and Let God" do a better job of travelling those inches from my head to my heart.
And for all things, I am very thankful. May I share my thanks with all I see. Thanks be to God.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Just for today
Just for today - that is an ongoing message a friend posts on Facebook as she lifts a concern or prayer.
This morning I woke feeling pretty content - and almost afraid of that sense. Like my mother's expression of "waiting for the other shoe to fall". My husband now has a pain he claims is in his hip, but I sense is in his back. I had a pain in my back a week ago - I called it a "catch" and thought if someone could help me snap it loose I'd be better - but except for turning certain ways, it barely slowed me down. I used some heat therapy and then remembered some muscle relaxants we had, took a one each night for two nights and with that rest felt (and continue to feel) lots's better. Sure hope those pills help him as we are to go away for a couple days soon, and it won't be as much fun if he is in pain.
Yesterday I stayed home all day (unbelievable to some of my friends, I am sure), and had a good day. Today I need to go out - do several things, at least one of which is related to the phone calls I made yesterday.
I have felt more comfortable with myself these last few days. Had a good visit with my spiritual adviser on Monday. He commented on a couple things we discussed that I seemed to be comfortable with decisions I had made as if in better touch with the Holy Spirit. Powerful thought, especially since on at least one of those decisions it related to "backing off" and actually doing less.
So today, my prayers include the family of a young lady that inherited eternal life way too young, have peace, and that my husband listen to his body and heal so that he (and I) can enjoy our lives relatively pain free. And maybe that I remember I do not have to be in control and survive.
Just for today - AMEN
This morning I woke feeling pretty content - and almost afraid of that sense. Like my mother's expression of "waiting for the other shoe to fall". My husband now has a pain he claims is in his hip, but I sense is in his back. I had a pain in my back a week ago - I called it a "catch" and thought if someone could help me snap it loose I'd be better - but except for turning certain ways, it barely slowed me down. I used some heat therapy and then remembered some muscle relaxants we had, took a one each night for two nights and with that rest felt (and continue to feel) lots's better. Sure hope those pills help him as we are to go away for a couple days soon, and it won't be as much fun if he is in pain.
Yesterday I stayed home all day (unbelievable to some of my friends, I am sure), and had a good day. Today I need to go out - do several things, at least one of which is related to the phone calls I made yesterday.
I have felt more comfortable with myself these last few days. Had a good visit with my spiritual adviser on Monday. He commented on a couple things we discussed that I seemed to be comfortable with decisions I had made as if in better touch with the Holy Spirit. Powerful thought, especially since on at least one of those decisions it related to "backing off" and actually doing less.
So today, my prayers include the family of a young lady that inherited eternal life way too young, have peace, and that my husband listen to his body and heal so that he (and I) can enjoy our lives relatively pain free. And maybe that I remember I do not have to be in control and survive.
Just for today - AMEN
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Reflection on Psalm 139 and Hymn #393
I am fearfully and wonderfully made - I was knit together/formed for God's purpose. I need to be still and know what God wants of me - from me- for me.
I am working on the listening and hearing skills. I have been using "Spirit of the Living God" as one of my calming/centering foci. Awhile ago, as I sang that hymn to myself silently, I could not remember the first action phrase, so I looked it up. Interesting to find it is "melt me".
If I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" by the creator, in my mother's womb, then am I not basically perfect? Funny how life gets in the way. So as I sit in silence, not exactly meditating, I need to allow the spirit to enter me and calm me - open me - make me accessible to the working of the spirit, so the phrase "melt me" becomes even more significant. Melt my preconceptions, take away the hardened shell of thinking I know it all. Only by being melted- pliable- can then the following section take place. Mold me. Make me be what You (God) want me to be. First I have to be melted to be pliable to the Maker to mold me.
And isn't that what society is doing to us all. We are melted by our exposure to the world - desensitized to cruel and harsh conditions. Use to seeing people who are hungry- if they just would put their mind to it they could get a job. So we are molded by those around us with self serving attitudes. And it is sometimes difficult to resist buying into that. And I am ashamed to admit I am sure there are times my attitude is no better. But I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Shaped and formed in the image of God to do good to others, to love and serve.
Lord, give me strength to stand up to what I know is wrong and be molded by You for your work. Fill me and use me-
Lord, in your mercy, hear my prayer.
I am working on the listening and hearing skills. I have been using "Spirit of the Living God" as one of my calming/centering foci. Awhile ago, as I sang that hymn to myself silently, I could not remember the first action phrase, so I looked it up. Interesting to find it is "melt me".
If I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" by the creator, in my mother's womb, then am I not basically perfect? Funny how life gets in the way. So as I sit in silence, not exactly meditating, I need to allow the spirit to enter me and calm me - open me - make me accessible to the working of the spirit, so the phrase "melt me" becomes even more significant. Melt my preconceptions, take away the hardened shell of thinking I know it all. Only by being melted- pliable- can then the following section take place. Mold me. Make me be what You (God) want me to be. First I have to be melted to be pliable to the Maker to mold me.
And isn't that what society is doing to us all. We are melted by our exposure to the world - desensitized to cruel and harsh conditions. Use to seeing people who are hungry- if they just would put their mind to it they could get a job. So we are molded by those around us with self serving attitudes. And it is sometimes difficult to resist buying into that. And I am ashamed to admit I am sure there are times my attitude is no better. But I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Shaped and formed in the image of God to do good to others, to love and serve.
Lord, give me strength to stand up to what I know is wrong and be molded by You for your work. Fill me and use me-
Lord, in your mercy, hear my prayer.
Friday, July 19, 2013
half full or half empty?
I am reading Sandpiper's blog about going forth - for all purposes, taking nothing and relying on others/God to meet your needs.
And I am part of a small group who is trying to put our kitchen and thus our fellowship hall and storage areas back into useful condition. I am having trouble seeing the progress for all I see that needs to be done. I admit I am discouraged. I guess I am seeing all the mess that is left with my back turned on all that is done. Standing in the kitchen door and looking out.
We have a work group coming this week- they will get to use our new kitchen before we do. Will they understand that we had a yard sale scheduled that was postponed? Will they see the progress or all the bags of "stuff" all over? Or will they see how nice our new kitchen looks? Our custodian has worked hard to keep things reasonably clean during demolition and reconstruction, but dust is pervasive and everywhere. Will people see the shiny new, clean kitchen or all the "stuff" that is still all over? Do our fellow parishoners see the progress that the few of us have seen, or do they see the bags of "stuff" that is piled all over, in the way of the yet unwashed dishes, unsorted things to wash and store?
And is that how God feels when He has offered even His own Son for us, and all we can see is the mess that that world is in?
I decide, this day, this minute, to look at the progress in the kitchen and give thanks for the time and energy that has been expended - to say nothing about the expense of all these new appliances, stainless steel cabinets, etc. To be thankful for all that has been accomplished and, for now, to turn my back on all that is still to be done. I will rejoice for the progress, as I suspect God rejoices for each person that accepts His love. And I know there will be another day to work, and more workers to do the work.
I will say,
Thanks be to God!
And I am part of a small group who is trying to put our kitchen and thus our fellowship hall and storage areas back into useful condition. I am having trouble seeing the progress for all I see that needs to be done. I admit I am discouraged. I guess I am seeing all the mess that is left with my back turned on all that is done. Standing in the kitchen door and looking out.
We have a work group coming this week- they will get to use our new kitchen before we do. Will they understand that we had a yard sale scheduled that was postponed? Will they see the progress or all the bags of "stuff" all over? Or will they see how nice our new kitchen looks? Our custodian has worked hard to keep things reasonably clean during demolition and reconstruction, but dust is pervasive and everywhere. Will people see the shiny new, clean kitchen or all the "stuff" that is still all over? Do our fellow parishoners see the progress that the few of us have seen, or do they see the bags of "stuff" that is piled all over, in the way of the yet unwashed dishes, unsorted things to wash and store?
And is that how God feels when He has offered even His own Son for us, and all we can see is the mess that that world is in?
I decide, this day, this minute, to look at the progress in the kitchen and give thanks for the time and energy that has been expended - to say nothing about the expense of all these new appliances, stainless steel cabinets, etc. To be thankful for all that has been accomplished and, for now, to turn my back on all that is still to be done. I will rejoice for the progress, as I suspect God rejoices for each person that accepts His love. And I know there will be another day to work, and more workers to do the work.
I will say,
Thanks be to God!
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Independence Day 2013
Over the last month, as I sat looking at the floor for a week following eye surgery, and in my recent time away (I spent a week at the Chautauqua Institute) I have spent significant quiet time considering what I want to do "next". I feel a bit like a teenager, just starting college and not sure what I want to do with my life. As I have been retired for most of 9 years, I am a bit past the teenage years. And a small humble part of me still thinks God has plans for me - and a use for me.
In the last 8 years I have cast about, doing lots of different things, seeking a comfort spot on which to land - to focus. Much of that effort has revolved around my chuch and church family. And on introspection and prayer, I am concluding that I need to find a way to bundle all my little "jobs" (prayer shawl ministry, card ministry, helping out in the church kitchen, walking, exercising, working in the yard and garden of my own and others) into some type of framework. As a busy nurse and then nurse leader, I have focused on the list of things accomplished at the end of the day.
I suspect I have kept busy and involved as a way to ensure I am "needed". And while I recognize the value of each individual person, I think I have a fear of being forgotten- overlooked somehow when the fun times come. I need to learn to appreciate the value of quiet time spent reading and listening.
So my prayer for me (and if you are reading this, I ask you to join me) is that I welcome a way to wrap all this up in a forward direction, that encourages others to be present in the moment and sense the leading of the Holy Spirit.
In the last 8 years I have cast about, doing lots of different things, seeking a comfort spot on which to land - to focus. Much of that effort has revolved around my chuch and church family. And on introspection and prayer, I am concluding that I need to find a way to bundle all my little "jobs" (prayer shawl ministry, card ministry, helping out in the church kitchen, walking, exercising, working in the yard and garden of my own and others) into some type of framework. As a busy nurse and then nurse leader, I have focused on the list of things accomplished at the end of the day.
I suspect I have kept busy and involved as a way to ensure I am "needed". And while I recognize the value of each individual person, I think I have a fear of being forgotten- overlooked somehow when the fun times come. I need to learn to appreciate the value of quiet time spent reading and listening.
So my prayer for me (and if you are reading this, I ask you to join me) is that I welcome a way to wrap all this up in a forward direction, that encourages others to be present in the moment and sense the leading of the Holy Spirit.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
New Experience
Yesterday I met with a Spiritual Director for the first time. I was uncertain about this. Two Pastors that I respect meet have spiritual direction and one of them, a valued friend, suggested this might be an avenue for me - beyond what I was feeling with my current pastor,
As I met with him, initially I was uncomfortable. I started by giving some of my personal history especially as it related to my "spiritual life", I discussed times when I specifically felt the presence of God - weeding, walking, my morning quiet time and he kindly nodded and smiled from time to time. I became more comfortable discussing my feelings. I think this will be a good experience. The ability to discuss things like "laws are for the lawless" - and we are all God's creatures - and that even people like the Boston Bomber - or bin Laden, are loved by God, just have deviated from the path God may have preferred they take.
Made me feel a little less out of step with people in general. My desire and prayer now are to be able to be comfortable when I use words to others that may come out strange, but are meant to be of comfort.
Truely, the presence of the Lord is in this place- I can feel His power and His grace. An affirmation back from my Quaker days that hearing and feeling God is not unique to people who are called to have ministry as their life profession.
Thanks be to God!
As I met with him, initially I was uncomfortable. I started by giving some of my personal history especially as it related to my "spiritual life", I discussed times when I specifically felt the presence of God - weeding, walking, my morning quiet time and he kindly nodded and smiled from time to time. I became more comfortable discussing my feelings. I think this will be a good experience. The ability to discuss things like "laws are for the lawless" - and we are all God's creatures - and that even people like the Boston Bomber - or bin Laden, are loved by God, just have deviated from the path God may have preferred they take.
Made me feel a little less out of step with people in general. My desire and prayer now are to be able to be comfortable when I use words to others that may come out strange, but are meant to be of comfort.
Truely, the presence of the Lord is in this place- I can feel His power and His grace. An affirmation back from my Quaker days that hearing and feeling God is not unique to people who are called to have ministry as their life profession.
Thanks be to God!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)