A foggy AM

Here it is, Saturday again.  I have been feeling a bit lost these past few days.  I get into this kind of "funk" when it seems like I don't have much on my schedule.  I am not good at all at doing "nothing".  And yesterday I came to the realization (again, I am sure-) that the hardest thing to do to help someone you love, is nothing.  I am a "do-er" - I want to work and to "fix" things.  But I have clearly been made aware that my presence is too painful when you don't want to be busy, for whatever reason.

So, I  have spent way too much time stalking facebook, and playing games on my computer.  And today I realized I had forgotten my word for the year.  I looked it up - TRUST.  Back to that old part of me that seems to want to be in control - to do and to fix.

Why do I find it so hard to just be still and be quiet and TRUST?  Why do I think I need to stay in control?  Maybe today in my busy-ness and my quiet, I need to remind myself that I AM GOOD ENOUGH - to accept I am loved for who I am and whose I am, and that deeds and doing are not all that is required.

Thanks, Julie, for bringing me back to my word for this year.

A Saturday AM

As I start to write today, I can't start with a title -  I have mixed feelings/emotions going on.  I read (again) today about God's creation of all things, and that means people, too.  And I prefer to only feed the birds I like, and not that horde of blackbirds.  What if God only chose to nurture the Jews - but He made it clear that all are welcome into the Kingdom of Heaven.  Jesus intentionally sought out the "others" - the leper, the Samaritan woman, etc.  Certainly the Old Testament is filled with people fighting people and the idea I got is that the "chosen people", if they stayed in God's good graces, would come out the winner.  If they got too cocky, they did not always win.

Tied into that was my witness last night of Rick giving Ashley money at the Relay for Life event.  Clearly this was not based on actual "need".  And I know that they support her and Sophia as she lives with Grammy.  And my heart comes back to Lindsey, and Rick's statement that "all she wants is money".  Lindsey, from what I knew, is living mostly independently with her boyfriend and has a full time job.  So maybe she would like to have some additional money from her father???.....

And I keep asking (praying..), how am I to respond in this.  Clearly, I did not confront Rick on that point.  And I have drug my feet at contacting Lindsey, since I don't want to break the thread of contact I have with Rick.  Should I be more aggressive and contacting him?  Am I wrong to think as the son he should keep in touch with me/us?

I will confess to a bias for Lindsey and not really against, but negative to Ashley when clearly Lindsey is cut off.  And I do not know the full story of 6 years ago that led to the separation between them.  So I guess my response is to continue to love her from a distance, and wait for the Spirit to give me further direction.  It is not up to me to pick and choose who to love and who to cut off, though today I have chosen to put out the bird seed and not refill the suet, knowing the woodpeckers will eat some seed and hoping the blackbirds will choose to go elsewhere for their easy meal.  And I will go to Buckhannon to work in the yard their where I feel appreciated.

And I KNOW God loves me, no matter what.  Thanks be to God.

Trust.... myself

So, my word for this year has been TRUST.  And it is pretty amazing how often I find that word fits in many of my uncomfortable moments.

In my "contemplative knitting" - the item I knit on in my quiet time and pay attention to the motions of my hands, not knit while I am talking or waiting or watching TV - I recently needed to do a join of one skein to the next.  I did the join sort of loosely a few days ago, and then had issues with the way it looked.  Clearly too loose and made an obvious hump.  So I had decided to take out the rows between the join and where I had gotten.  I made up my mind that it had to be corrected, which meant pulling the stitches tight that involved my join.  So that was what I did this morning.  And in doing so I had now two issues - the strength of the join/weld, and remembering how many rows I took out so the pattern would be maintained.  As I un-knit (some say tink-), I realized that my issue with trust was many times in trusting myself.  In this case, in trusting the strenght of my weld of the yarns.

So, as I reknit the join area, I pulled it tight enough to not have an obvious gap, thinking I had to trust that weld - and lo and behold it is fine.  Hardly shows.  And I could tell when I had used up the yarn I unknit and when I started to go farther than I had undone. So yes, today my lesson in trust is to TRUST myself- my welds, my decisions, and perhaps even that I am loved and remembered even when I am out of sight.  Enough said. Amen.

Fungus and estrangement

I have a few things that are bothering me on an ongoing basis.  I  have a fungus under several of my toenails, and I have an issue with estrangement in our family.  It occurs to me that both are prevasive and undermine a segment of my health.  I am likely to loose one of my great toe nails in the near future due to the fungus.  It won't be the first time, either.  So far nothing I have done has made any difference and yes, I have sought medical advice but have chosen not to take toxic medication.

We have a family situation - our son is divorced from the mother of his daughter, and there have been hard feelings and bitterness for almost our granddaughter's whole life.  Our son has found happiness with his second wife and her children have truly become their children.  But the strife with his natural daughter and her mother have caused what seems to be an unresolveable estrangement.  Because of this bitterness, we are also separated from her, and I fear attempts on my part to contact her will result in further estrangement of us from our son.

As I prayed this morning about the family issue, it came to me that this is like my toenail fungus.  And I asked God what else could I do.  I sense God telling me to pray for our current daughter-in-law for healing in her - perhaps even more that for us, in that maybe through her healing she can help our son with is healing and we can experience so healing as well.

Maybe there is a fungus in her background that is undermining our son's relationship with his daughter- and maybe there is a toenail there that has to be lost to unearth the real problem for healing.

And I will continue to pray for healing for all of us - and my toes.

Parallels of my life to Moses

After I read the OT reading in exodus today, and was challenged to identify a "life-altering encounter with God", I began to think about the various parts of my life - and where I felt I encountered God the most.

I worked backward - because in the almost 10 yrs since my retirement, I have felt the presence of the Holy Spirit most in my life.  Maybe because I am able to take time to allow this to occur.  Not dramatic occurrences, but the quiet sense of companionship.  Of being in the right place - where God wanted me to be.

But when did I feel I was most "in the wilderness"?  I guess that separation from known family and friends in Richlands - but I did have a spiritual time there with RPC and a growth of my spiritual identity in the Women's circle there, by accepting responsibility to bring a meditation of devotion to the meeting.  (Not feeling ready to actually lead the bible study/lesson.)

Or does that make that the mountaintop time?

So then was Mgtn the time of oppression?   - or maybe that was the beginning of the journey from "egypt" - Very little church time, but D helped me find my Maundy Thursday base in her UMC.

Certainly I felt my spirit oppressed during my later years at B - between an MD who I would in later  years reacognize as "abusive" in actions and language, and the discouragement of feeling unknown and un recognized in the congregation to which I belonged.

And I will continue to be thankful for the pastor that led me into recognizing the way I am loved and beloved, and quietly encouraging me to acknowledge that relationship with God.  It's not that I am special from anyone else, it is that each and every one of us is special to God.  What a glorious thought.

Amen

Choices

I finished the book, The Laws of Gravity last night.  You find the answers to some of life's hardest questions in the most unlikely places.  Recently I discovered that I finally understood "discernment" - as the HOly Spirit speaking to my spirit.  And last night, the answer to why do we have Free Will, came out of the closing parts of this book.  Two older Jewish women are talking, having recently completed a special course to become "Bat Mitzvah" and one asks the other, why did God give us Free will?  And the answer is. 'because He wants us to choose Him".  Now, is that a "duh" or not?

So today I am reading the old testament reading in Deuteronomy (30:15-20), and what do you suppose is the text?  A whole bunch of "if-then" statements, all surrounding the concept that If one chooses God/to follow God, then good will ensue, and if you do not, then the evil results will follow.

So, let me continue to be open to the leading of the Holy Spirit.  And le me be aware of the consequences if I choose to go a different route. My life friend. Janice, has asked me to prepare to say a prayer at the Memorial service she is planning for her husband, Jim, who seems to be in the final stages of life.  May I listen and hear what God wants me to say.  If I listen then I will say what they need to hear.

Grace and Peace-

Trust

I am reading The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  Difficult reading - makes me feel like I am back in school studying.  I haven't gotten very far, but what I have read has really made me think.  I chose to hear a word to guide me for this year, and TRUST is the word that seems to have been chosen for me.

I am no saint - not in the sense we think of someone without sin - but during these long days of cold and snow - and mostly self required isolation, I have chosen to spend my time being "productive" in some manner.  And as I have discussed my spiritual development with A, I have felt lead to Bonhoeffer.  His definite tie of words and actions is very powerful.  Faith cannot exist without discipleship.  And discipleship is stopping what I am doing and following.  Could I simply put down my knitting and leave?  I admit to bargaining- I'll make those calls this afternoon - So is that not following?  Am I no better than a Pharisee?

On Sunday I rescheduled my spiritual direction meeting scheduled for this AM to next week - L asked if I wanted to wait until yesterday at least to make the change, I felt strongly that I needed to reschedule - and at least in part because I sensed that Keith was not happy with that 9AM appt on a day that was to be below zero in temperature.

Today I will again spend time listening and try to hear- and Trust- And we'll get our hair cut, maybe visit the church and maybe I will even venture back out and exercise.  It is cold and the sun is shining.

God is Good!