A foggy AM

Here it is, Saturday again.  I have been feeling a bit lost these past few days.  I get into this kind of "funk" when it seems like I don't have much on my schedule.  I am not good at all at doing "nothing".  And yesterday I came to the realization (again, I am sure-) that the hardest thing to do to help someone you love, is nothing.  I am a "do-er" - I want to work and to "fix" things.  But I have clearly been made aware that my presence is too painful when you don't want to be busy, for whatever reason.

So, I  have spent way too much time stalking facebook, and playing games on my computer.  And today I realized I had forgotten my word for the year.  I looked it up - TRUST.  Back to that old part of me that seems to want to be in control - to do and to fix.

Why do I find it so hard to just be still and be quiet and TRUST?  Why do I think I need to stay in control?  Maybe today in my busy-ness and my quiet, I need to remind myself that I AM GOOD ENOUGH - to accept I am loved for who I am and whose I am, and that deeds and doing are not all that is required.

Thanks, Julie, for bringing me back to my word for this year.

A Saturday AM

As I start to write today, I can't start with a title -  I have mixed feelings/emotions going on.  I read (again) today about God's creation of all things, and that means people, too.  And I prefer to only feed the birds I like, and not that horde of blackbirds.  What if God only chose to nurture the Jews - but He made it clear that all are welcome into the Kingdom of Heaven.  Jesus intentionally sought out the "others" - the leper, the Samaritan woman, etc.  Certainly the Old Testament is filled with people fighting people and the idea I got is that the "chosen people", if they stayed in God's good graces, would come out the winner.  If they got too cocky, they did not always win.

Tied into that was my witness last night of Rick giving Ashley money at the Relay for Life event.  Clearly this was not based on actual "need".  And I know that they support her and Sophia as she lives with Grammy.  And my heart comes back to Lindsey, and Rick's statement that "all she wants is money".  Lindsey, from what I knew, is living mostly independently with her boyfriend and has a full time job.  So maybe she would like to have some additional money from her father???.....

And I keep asking (praying..), how am I to respond in this.  Clearly, I did not confront Rick on that point.  And I have drug my feet at contacting Lindsey, since I don't want to break the thread of contact I have with Rick.  Should I be more aggressive and contacting him?  Am I wrong to think as the son he should keep in touch with me/us?

I will confess to a bias for Lindsey and not really against, but negative to Ashley when clearly Lindsey is cut off.  And I do not know the full story of 6 years ago that led to the separation between them.  So I guess my response is to continue to love her from a distance, and wait for the Spirit to give me further direction.  It is not up to me to pick and choose who to love and who to cut off, though today I have chosen to put out the bird seed and not refill the suet, knowing the woodpeckers will eat some seed and hoping the blackbirds will choose to go elsewhere for their easy meal.  And I will go to Buckhannon to work in the yard their where I feel appreciated.

And I KNOW God loves me, no matter what.  Thanks be to God.