Sudden death

Last week our son-in-law died very suddenly.  It is hard for me to describe the way my head was in a fog when our daughter called at 3AM - Mommy - pray - it doesn't look good.  Her husband had collapsed and with all her ICU knowledge and various others to help, he was unable to be revived.  43 years old, and gone.  Yes, he had known heart issues, 3 open heart procedures, the last not quite 3 yrs ago.  But he (they) were just here on Dec 27 and all seemed well.  And it hit me that my baby - was a widow at 46.

Through all the time went spent with her, I mostly watched her - watched out for her, and of course the girls, now fatherless at 19 and 16.  When her father called her on Tuesday (8 days after) he was the first to tell her some of the things she will now need to do as his surviving spouse.  I want to just take over and do for her, but even last Friday it was apparent I need to let her do this at her pace.

And yesterday as I took a walk, I found myself remembering that walk home in Dec of 1949 as my father walked me home from our neighbors where I had been staying for the days between my mother's stroke and death.  She  was 41, I was then 7 yrs old.  As I walked in some residual snow yesterday I wondered if it had been a snowy walk then, almost 65 yrs ago.

I have not remembered much from that time (and almost none from before that).  But as I walked I felt like I remembered being kept apart - isolated - while people comforted my father and my mother's sisters comforted each other.  Do I remember being told I was to take care of my father?  Is that the beginning of my need to take care of others - to relieve other's burdens?  I am quite sure that is the beginning of the way there are times I feel "invisible".  When I came home I looked up times and dates - my mother collapsed on Monday afternoon and I think it was Tues afternoon that I was allowed to visit her.  At that time care was in the home, not in a hospital.  I can remember her just laying there, and not responding to me.  Then the obituary said she died at 6:30pm on Weds, but it was the next morning when my father told me. And we walked home home crying.

So, today as I was walking, I noticed how the geese were in small groups, but all part of a big group.  Sometimes there would be a single goose off to the side, but one would honk and the lone one would wander back to the group.  And I am reminded about the story of geese migrating.  They fly in a V formation and (so the lore goes) honk encouragement at the leader, and when the leader tires. another will take the lead and let the lead goose drop back where he/she can use the trailing wind to rest a bit.
And it strikes me that I can be like a goose.  I am comfortable taking my turn in the lead, but I like to be encouraged, and I like to know I can drop back and coast while someone else takes the lead.

But I also realized that geese, and cows, and  yes, myself, like to be in a group.  And there are times I need to be by myself,  But I thrive in a community.  And I am so glad to be part of the community of church.  To know that when I am suffering, someone else is supporting me if not in presence, surely in prayer.  So, when I need to be strong for our daughter, someone else is in communion with me, like layers of supporting blocks, with Christ as the primary support.

So, may we all find comfort in our own sense of community, but may my precious daughter and granddaughters find the comfort of their own community, just as I have mine in my fellow believers.

Grace and Peace to all

Fall - another perspective

So this morning as I was doing my quiet time, I glanced out the window and thought "I wonder if there are enough leaves gone that I can see my "God light", and was rewarded with a blink of light off in the distance.  Yeah!  My reward for the plain-ness of winter is that light.

I call this my "God light" because I know it is there even when I can not see it.  Just like God.  I know He is always with me, even when things do not seem to be going the way I want them to be.  So, while I am not at all ready for the potential weather that will cause me to feel isolated, I welcome the loss of the leaves on the trees so I can see that light.

But the interesting part, is that I can't always see the light when I seek it.  And I can not exactly explain why.  I know that weather conditions will obscure it - and maybe when certain tree limbs are moved certain ways.  And it's like I try too hard sometimes.  But if I am still and keep my faith, it will pop into view.  Just like God, it is always there - sometimes I try too hard, and sometimes I just need to "let go" and allow it to come into view.

But I KNOW God is always with me, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Amen

Autumn thoughts

It has been a while since I put any work or words into this Blog.  And as I sit here and look out my window, I notice that as some of the taller/larger trees have lost their leaves, I can see other trees and bushes that still have colorful leaves.  Isn't that the way it is with people?  Sometimes we can't see the quieter folks for those that seem to be more overt.

I have been very aware that I need quiet time to listen and to just be.  I attended a 5 Day Academy in Spiritual Formation in September, that was so powerful on many levels.  Not the least of which was an acknowledgement that I am unique, but not really different.  A spiritual connection that I tried to describe in a message to my fellow congregants a couple Sundays ago,

And then I have considered letting others know about this blog- do I have something to share that someone else might find useful?  Is it my time as a less visible tree to open myself to others?

I will listen.  

Loaves and fishes and covered dish dinners

As I read Matthew 14: 13-21 I was struck (again) at how this story ties in with so much of what I see in the church.  Jesus is in mourning - immediately before this we read of the beheading of John the Baptist (his cousin and the person that set the tone for Jesus's ministry).  Jesus tried to get away and the people followed him.  So, it's meal time, and the disciples ask what they can do about feeding the people - a pretty common question.

Now I am both a pretty literal person, and a realist.  In my mind there is NO WAY 2 loaves and 5 small fish, meant to nourish one person, could feed 5,000.  So here is my take on the matter.  Jesus blessed the loaves and fishes, and as they started to pass them in baskets, many of the people that had travelled had a bit of food with them, which they then shared, and as is common at most of the covered dish meals I've attended and helped serve, they ended up with more left over than they thought they had at the start.

And this ties in so well with the sharing of the resources in Acts.  People sold their holding and gave to the church for the welfare of those in need.  The need to take care of each other out of love is the basis of Christianity - to love one another as you love God and yourself.

The sharing of  love and community meals- even at funeral meals when it is rare to not hear the sound of laughter.  God loves us, no matter what, and I believe when we laugh, He laughs with us.

Jimmie

Funny how a day that seemed like a good, fun day, can turn sour so quickly.  And how fear for one's loved one can seem not so bad - and yet it is.

Yesterday K and I went to a local "wildlife center" - sort of zoo on a country road in a wooded area.  Fun to see giraffes pretty much up close - and various monkeys, even a donkey and of course the lions and tigers and a syrian bear.  And then, just at news time, K had checked facebook briefly and commented that someone had lifted one of our granddaughters and her family in prayer.  They are having Fair time in their county.

After several attempts to get hold of the family, and communication with her uncle via chat, someone in the "crowd" posted that B had fallen with her horse while barrel racing, and B was scratched and bruised but her horse was mortally hurt.  Relief it was not B, and  such an ache for her and her family as I know how much they "love" that horse and how much riding means to B.

And as a mother and grandmother I can't really "fix" this.  When they are ready to contact me, I can offer some financial assistance - but I can't fix the loss of a part of their family, or the disappointment of plans for the summer that won't be the same.

But I can hold them in my heart and my prayers.  And I can rejoice that my son responded in the same concern that I did from a well intentioned facebook post.  We are not always as "close" as I would like us to be.

Do they hold funerals for horses?  This morning I am mourning with their family - my family.  Mourning the loss of the horse that was part of their family.  That B had spent countless hours feeding, training, riding, etc  And a not insignificant financial loss - and that has to be in their hearts too and they will be feeling guilty for worrying about that part.

I know God is with them and all of us in this.  Maybe this is what her g-grandmother's money for her is to be used for?

Lord, in your mercy

A foggy AM

Here it is, Saturday again.  I have been feeling a bit lost these past few days.  I get into this kind of "funk" when it seems like I don't have much on my schedule.  I am not good at all at doing "nothing".  And yesterday I came to the realization (again, I am sure-) that the hardest thing to do to help someone you love, is nothing.  I am a "do-er" - I want to work and to "fix" things.  But I have clearly been made aware that my presence is too painful when you don't want to be busy, for whatever reason.

So, I  have spent way too much time stalking facebook, and playing games on my computer.  And today I realized I had forgotten my word for the year.  I looked it up - TRUST.  Back to that old part of me that seems to want to be in control - to do and to fix.

Why do I find it so hard to just be still and be quiet and TRUST?  Why do I think I need to stay in control?  Maybe today in my busy-ness and my quiet, I need to remind myself that I AM GOOD ENOUGH - to accept I am loved for who I am and whose I am, and that deeds and doing are not all that is required.

Thanks, Julie, for bringing me back to my word for this year.

A Saturday AM

As I start to write today, I can't start with a title -  I have mixed feelings/emotions going on.  I read (again) today about God's creation of all things, and that means people, too.  And I prefer to only feed the birds I like, and not that horde of blackbirds.  What if God only chose to nurture the Jews - but He made it clear that all are welcome into the Kingdom of Heaven.  Jesus intentionally sought out the "others" - the leper, the Samaritan woman, etc.  Certainly the Old Testament is filled with people fighting people and the idea I got is that the "chosen people", if they stayed in God's good graces, would come out the winner.  If they got too cocky, they did not always win.

Tied into that was my witness last night of Rick giving Ashley money at the Relay for Life event.  Clearly this was not based on actual "need".  And I know that they support her and Sophia as she lives with Grammy.  And my heart comes back to Lindsey, and Rick's statement that "all she wants is money".  Lindsey, from what I knew, is living mostly independently with her boyfriend and has a full time job.  So maybe she would like to have some additional money from her father???.....

And I keep asking (praying..), how am I to respond in this.  Clearly, I did not confront Rick on that point.  And I have drug my feet at contacting Lindsey, since I don't want to break the thread of contact I have with Rick.  Should I be more aggressive and contacting him?  Am I wrong to think as the son he should keep in touch with me/us?

I will confess to a bias for Lindsey and not really against, but negative to Ashley when clearly Lindsey is cut off.  And I do not know the full story of 6 years ago that led to the separation between them.  So I guess my response is to continue to love her from a distance, and wait for the Spirit to give me further direction.  It is not up to me to pick and choose who to love and who to cut off, though today I have chosen to put out the bird seed and not refill the suet, knowing the woodpeckers will eat some seed and hoping the blackbirds will choose to go elsewhere for their easy meal.  And I will go to Buckhannon to work in the yard their where I feel appreciated.

And I KNOW God loves me, no matter what.  Thanks be to God.