Just for today I have no responsibilities past myself and simple participation - almost -. I should make a "one call" about tomorrow's prayer shawl meeting, and I agreed to let Jud know A won't be there for Blue and Gray practice.
How much lighter today feels. Free to simple "show up" - and to participate if I so choose. Nothing to make, bake, prepare, decorate, serve. I have read the Sunday School lesson and think I am ready for the discussion - if I'm not, no big deal! I can go to Blue and Gray practice, my fund raising information is all prepared to hand in.
And I took a few minutes last night to be quiet and listen as I prepared to sleep. And this AM about 10 minutes to sit in silence (that trip to the beach was refreshing....).
I am glad I presented worship yesterday. Glad S and I have remained partners - and you know, she is right, we can collaborate outside of DLT. Is she - is electronic collaboration part of my solution to a covenant partner?
But just for today, I will relax and let things go as they flow. I will take time off from trying to control the world starting with the area around me. Yes, it looks like something has been digging around the base of the shepherds crook where the bird feeder had hung - maybe E and I can walk to B & G practice. Yes, E A-C is now gone for a week and has not responded to my query about forming a group - and has my books! - but guess what, I have a book on my Kindle, there are lessons from the Quaker lessons I can access on my computer - it's OK! And Yes, I really want R to go to church today and meet up with A - but heck, if she doesn't, no skin off my nose. She is a big girl and they both know I love them each.
So, God, Just for today I will do my best to let go - I have faith you can handle this and I will be a better person for just, letting go!
Thanks for loving me, faulty as I am
me
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Saturday, February 28, 2015
How long has it been?
Without going back to check, I have no idea how long it has been since I last blogged. But here are some more random thoughts for today.
For along time the touch pad on this laptop did not "work" - and then it came back to life. Now as I type, I have to remember the exercise I was taught in piano - to keep my wrists up so I am not leaning - at this time on the touch pad - then it was on the keyboard,
Another thought - we are going to Ireland soon, and I find that a lot of my random thoughts circle around that topic. Like some need for "final instructions" as has happened before, I am sure that is a combination of that about the question about Advanced Directives every time I go to a doctors' office or health care facility, combined with Rick Blackshire abrupt death. More on that topic some other time - or later, who knows,
The other topic is my ongoing search for a spiritual formation group. Someone to discuss my random thoughts - to check in with, as it would be. I finished reading the Daniel Wolpert book on praryer - Creating a Life with God. How neat it would be to just share the various prayer practices, trying them out - like we did at the 5 Day academy last fall, I tried to send out feelers about this and only one person responded with real interehest - then she got a grandson and I really have not pursued it anymore. I am not toally sure why I don't really explore this with A - I feel ike she is so far advanced in her spiritual life, I guess. And I have talked about it with L - but other topics come up in that one hour a month.
Over the last few months there have been plenty of times that I have sat in silence - and I have continued to pursue - develop? - my spirit based sense. There are several authors whose writings I feel I strongley "relate" to. Joan Chitester, Daniel Wolpert, Barbara Brown Taylor - Alicia Rapking. It is like they are common folks that "get" the way I feel. Beyond Benedict, or Teresa of Avila, or some other greats the spiritual people quote.
As I think about flying to Ireland, there a few things I am afraid of, and a few that I am not. I am afraid I will be uncomfortable on the long flight - and not really able to sleep. Whether I am nosy, or a light sleeper, I am afraid I will be restless - and hence, not rest. And of course I will worry about K and his actions and reactions. I am afraid others will disturb me and yes, that I will miss something. I am not afraid of the plane going down - if that happens there will be nothing I can do, and as much as I don't think I am "ready" to die - I am comfortable with the idea of being dead/with God. And I can think of lots worse things than being dead. I am concerned that we be in plenty of time to the airport, but then what will we do with all the waiting times? For this trip I am a bit concerned that my time will be taken up with some things I don't care about as much and that the time we have to simply absorb and see and learn, will be so short.
And then it will all be over - Lord, let me learn, see, do absorb what You have in mind for me.
The bit about Advanced Directives - I will do a separate post about that and when I am "done" will print it out.
Now it's time to make soup for dinner.
For along time the touch pad on this laptop did not "work" - and then it came back to life. Now as I type, I have to remember the exercise I was taught in piano - to keep my wrists up so I am not leaning - at this time on the touch pad - then it was on the keyboard,
Another thought - we are going to Ireland soon, and I find that a lot of my random thoughts circle around that topic. Like some need for "final instructions" as has happened before, I am sure that is a combination of that about the question about Advanced Directives every time I go to a doctors' office or health care facility, combined with Rick Blackshire abrupt death. More on that topic some other time - or later, who knows,
The other topic is my ongoing search for a spiritual formation group. Someone to discuss my random thoughts - to check in with, as it would be. I finished reading the Daniel Wolpert book on praryer - Creating a Life with God. How neat it would be to just share the various prayer practices, trying them out - like we did at the 5 Day academy last fall, I tried to send out feelers about this and only one person responded with real interehest - then she got a grandson and I really have not pursued it anymore. I am not toally sure why I don't really explore this with A - I feel ike she is so far advanced in her spiritual life, I guess. And I have talked about it with L - but other topics come up in that one hour a month.
Over the last few months there have been plenty of times that I have sat in silence - and I have continued to pursue - develop? - my spirit based sense. There are several authors whose writings I feel I strongley "relate" to. Joan Chitester, Daniel Wolpert, Barbara Brown Taylor - Alicia Rapking. It is like they are common folks that "get" the way I feel. Beyond Benedict, or Teresa of Avila, or some other greats the spiritual people quote.
As I think about flying to Ireland, there a few things I am afraid of, and a few that I am not. I am afraid I will be uncomfortable on the long flight - and not really able to sleep. Whether I am nosy, or a light sleeper, I am afraid I will be restless - and hence, not rest. And of course I will worry about K and his actions and reactions. I am afraid others will disturb me and yes, that I will miss something. I am not afraid of the plane going down - if that happens there will be nothing I can do, and as much as I don't think I am "ready" to die - I am comfortable with the idea of being dead/with God. And I can think of lots worse things than being dead. I am concerned that we be in plenty of time to the airport, but then what will we do with all the waiting times? For this trip I am a bit concerned that my time will be taken up with some things I don't care about as much and that the time we have to simply absorb and see and learn, will be so short.
And then it will all be over - Lord, let me learn, see, do absorb what You have in mind for me.
The bit about Advanced Directives - I will do a separate post about that and when I am "done" will print it out.
Now it's time to make soup for dinner.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Sudden death
Last week our son-in-law died very suddenly. It is hard for me to describe the way my head was in a fog when our daughter called at 3AM - Mommy - pray - it doesn't look good. Her husband had collapsed and with all her ICU knowledge and various others to help, he was unable to be revived. 43 years old, and gone. Yes, he had known heart issues, 3 open heart procedures, the last not quite 3 yrs ago. But he (they) were just here on Dec 27 and all seemed well. And it hit me that my baby - was a widow at 46.
Through all the time went spent with her, I mostly watched her - watched out for her, and of course the girls, now fatherless at 19 and 16. When her father called her on Tuesday (8 days after) he was the first to tell her some of the things she will now need to do as his surviving spouse. I want to just take over and do for her, but even last Friday it was apparent I need to let her do this at her pace.
And yesterday as I took a walk, I found myself remembering that walk home in Dec of 1949 as my father walked me home from our neighbors where I had been staying for the days between my mother's stroke and death. She was 41, I was then 7 yrs old. As I walked in some residual snow yesterday I wondered if it had been a snowy walk then, almost 65 yrs ago.
I have not remembered much from that time (and almost none from before that). But as I walked I felt like I remembered being kept apart - isolated - while people comforted my father and my mother's sisters comforted each other. Do I remember being told I was to take care of my father? Is that the beginning of my need to take care of others - to relieve other's burdens? I am quite sure that is the beginning of the way there are times I feel "invisible". When I came home I looked up times and dates - my mother collapsed on Monday afternoon and I think it was Tues afternoon that I was allowed to visit her. At that time care was in the home, not in a hospital. I can remember her just laying there, and not responding to me. Then the obituary said she died at 6:30pm on Weds, but it was the next morning when my father told me. And we walked home home crying.
So, today as I was walking, I noticed how the geese were in small groups, but all part of a big group. Sometimes there would be a single goose off to the side, but one would honk and the lone one would wander back to the group. And I am reminded about the story of geese migrating. They fly in a V formation and (so the lore goes) honk encouragement at the leader, and when the leader tires. another will take the lead and let the lead goose drop back where he/she can use the trailing wind to rest a bit.
And it strikes me that I can be like a goose. I am comfortable taking my turn in the lead, but I like to be encouraged, and I like to know I can drop back and coast while someone else takes the lead.
But I also realized that geese, and cows, and yes, myself, like to be in a group. And there are times I need to be by myself, But I thrive in a community. And I am so glad to be part of the community of church. To know that when I am suffering, someone else is supporting me if not in presence, surely in prayer. So, when I need to be strong for our daughter, someone else is in communion with me, like layers of supporting blocks, with Christ as the primary support.
So, may we all find comfort in our own sense of community, but may my precious daughter and granddaughters find the comfort of their own community, just as I have mine in my fellow believers.
Grace and Peace to all
Through all the time went spent with her, I mostly watched her - watched out for her, and of course the girls, now fatherless at 19 and 16. When her father called her on Tuesday (8 days after) he was the first to tell her some of the things she will now need to do as his surviving spouse. I want to just take over and do for her, but even last Friday it was apparent I need to let her do this at her pace.
And yesterday as I took a walk, I found myself remembering that walk home in Dec of 1949 as my father walked me home from our neighbors where I had been staying for the days between my mother's stroke and death. She was 41, I was then 7 yrs old. As I walked in some residual snow yesterday I wondered if it had been a snowy walk then, almost 65 yrs ago.
I have not remembered much from that time (and almost none from before that). But as I walked I felt like I remembered being kept apart - isolated - while people comforted my father and my mother's sisters comforted each other. Do I remember being told I was to take care of my father? Is that the beginning of my need to take care of others - to relieve other's burdens? I am quite sure that is the beginning of the way there are times I feel "invisible". When I came home I looked up times and dates - my mother collapsed on Monday afternoon and I think it was Tues afternoon that I was allowed to visit her. At that time care was in the home, not in a hospital. I can remember her just laying there, and not responding to me. Then the obituary said she died at 6:30pm on Weds, but it was the next morning when my father told me. And we walked home home crying.
So, today as I was walking, I noticed how the geese were in small groups, but all part of a big group. Sometimes there would be a single goose off to the side, but one would honk and the lone one would wander back to the group. And I am reminded about the story of geese migrating. They fly in a V formation and (so the lore goes) honk encouragement at the leader, and when the leader tires. another will take the lead and let the lead goose drop back where he/she can use the trailing wind to rest a bit.
And it strikes me that I can be like a goose. I am comfortable taking my turn in the lead, but I like to be encouraged, and I like to know I can drop back and coast while someone else takes the lead.
But I also realized that geese, and cows, and yes, myself, like to be in a group. And there are times I need to be by myself, But I thrive in a community. And I am so glad to be part of the community of church. To know that when I am suffering, someone else is supporting me if not in presence, surely in prayer. So, when I need to be strong for our daughter, someone else is in communion with me, like layers of supporting blocks, with Christ as the primary support.
So, may we all find comfort in our own sense of community, but may my precious daughter and granddaughters find the comfort of their own community, just as I have mine in my fellow believers.
Grace and Peace to all
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)