Wednesday-

Mid week - almost the middle of April.  No real organized thoughts today.  Just feel the desire to blog a bit.

I have been uneasy recently - whatever is going on with/in my right eye has settled into being unable to read normal print and a definite mess in the middle of my vision and since 1982 my right eye has been my "best" eye.  Left eye post cataract has the best distance vision - right not as good, and now clearly (almost a pun there-) not as clear in the central vision.  Still functions well for giving me depth perception and .

Been participating in the "Advancing  your Spiritual Growth" class T is leading.  Discovered last week that the paper work he has given us did not make sense with the chapter we were "assigned" - no wonder, the paper work covers numerous chapters.  Goes to show he is not a teacher -  As I have commented to E and A, I am looking for some assistance in my spirit - more in the line of nurturing than feeding.  Made sense to me.

And now I find I am having real issues with my weight again.  During the time I was walking last fall into winter, I got down to the lower 170's.  Then winter struck, I quit regular walking and weight started up again.  When I got sick it went down, then up a few pounds for a couple weeks, then down over 2 lbs and now today back up.  I am at a serious cross roads that means discarding those summer clothes I really liked and was proud to wear in size 14 and buying more in a larger size.  Very discouraging.  But I recognize that eating is enjoyable to me and I am at a place where I feel little satisfying.

I am also discouraged about something I have no control over, but keep urging and trying.  I really need to let that one go- even tho I have been a cheerleader for the effort.  Very discouraging to want to do things, and feel powerless.  Like all the brush that needs to be cleaned up around here- no point in starting more brush piles when the ones I've created over the years are still waiting.  And too many big branches and trees I really can not move.

OK, enough for now - even this computer annoys me since the cursor does not move and if I pause, when I start back to typing the darn thing starts somewhere mid sentence.  Guess I have a LOT of things I can't control and I better just get used to it!

But I KNOW that God loves me, NO MATTER WHAT, even when it seems I have trouble loving myself.

Kitchen work

Our church is preparing to renovate out kitchen.  This will be a significant project for us.  We have money dedicated for the work and will need some additional "fund raising".  We are being blessed by many who are providing services and physical labor.  But (and there seems always to be a "But"...) we are falling behind in our regular obligations financially.  

As a member of the "kitchen crew", we desperately need a new stove - ours has rust around the face of the oven - seen when you open the door - and one door spring has broken so it needs to be propped closed when  you are baking.  And there is an area around our sink (not the proscribed 3 bowl sink) that is not sealed and you can guess the rest of that story.  We are reasonably sure the Health dept has kept a "blind eye" to our needs because we are a church.

But as a member of the finance committee, I am gravely concerned that people will dedicate their limited resources to update our kitchen to shiny new, and ignore our financial obligations, and the potential negative effect that may have on our ability to support a pastoral leader with advanced education.

Soon it will be time for me to head to church - today we serve a dinner to the district clergy.  We have a reputation of serving a great meal, not just soup and sandwiches   Maybe we can energize others to see our mission as beyond the kitchen and into the world.  Sure hope so!

Snow Day

I know I am a valued child of God.  I know my identity is not defined by where I am and what I do.  But today feels so strange.  It is Sunday - and we are not going to church.  I have sat in silence, I know it's OK with God, but it feels strange.  There is snow - yes - but if I had had to go to work, or somewhere, I would have made it.  But now I am 70, my husband 72, and we gave ourselves permission to just not go today.

And more snow is forecast.  My plea at this point is to be able to make our planned luncheon for A on Thursday.  I can move money around in accounts to avoid the planned first of the month trip to the bank.  Only problem there will be the 30 day thing, so each month will move farther and farther from the actual first of the month.  I guess there are ways of dealing with that as well.

So today I will have periods of quiet - and times I am annoyed, but I will remind myself that it is OK with God to miss one Sunday - and remember to "Be Still".

Now to try again to scare off those annoying scavenger "black birds" -

Thanks God for loving me just as I am.

Passing clouds

As I sat here this morning, in what promises to be a "mostly sunny" day, watching out my window, I saw a bank of clouds moving our way.  Immediately I felt myself getting depressed and grumbling.  Then I had this epiphany, that the sun is still there even when hidden by the clouds.  Sounds so simple doesn't it. 

At that point, I realized that just like the sun is behind the clouds, that when I feel I am in darkness, that God, the light, is still there as well.

I love the expession the Quakers use, when they "hold (someone) in the light".  Took me many years (like 50 maybe) to realize that was their equivalent to "keeping the in prayer".  God says He is the I AM.  Jesus, as part of the Triune God, is also the word, or I AM. 

I did discuss some of my concern with Tim yesterday - and we talked about my enjoyment of the book, The Shack.  The sense of color the character sees when he has accepted God and his ways.  And now how that too, relates to God and light and ominpresence, even when I feel alone.

A lady where I work out yesteday remarked if I felt teary, I must be depressed.  I also get teary when things cause me to be happy.  I will take my tears over this renewed revelation to be tears of joy.  Because behind each cloud is the sun (well, given it it day light) and beyond each darkness is God's presence, even at night. 

I am loved, no matter what, warts, unkind thoughts, and all. 

Thanks to the grace of God.  Thanks be to God.

Word for 2013

Various bloggers that I respect select a word to represent their plan for their life in the coming year.  I am adopting the word LISTEN as my word.  To be still and listen - to God and to others.  To not spend the time someone else is speaking preparing my next remarks.  And that will be a bit difficult for me.

And while I am listening, I will listen to see if I am to let others know that I (randomly) post to this blog.  I would like to share my knitting experiences more or less as they occur, with others.  And this blog would be a good place to share.  Like twice this Christmas season having to almost hold my breath that I would have enough yarn to finish a pair of socks.  In both cases I started the set convinced I had enough yarn, then doubting as the second sock was nearing completion- and the skein of yarn significantly dwindling.  In both cases I found myself making alternate plans- going to be bed and --- could I find another skein, if I did would it show a significant difference in the dye lot.... would I have to frog and re-knit with a slightly shorter cuff....?  In both cases I forged ahead, and in both cases ended up with enough - and a very small ball of leftover yarn.

Is that how I treat myself?  With doubt in myself.  Isn't that part of my positive listening that I am going to work hard on this year?  When I (or another person that I trust) tell me I have enough, to sincerely believe.  So maybe the first place to start is to Listen and see if I should share this blog.

What do you think, God?

The Purpose of Christmas

As I read an advent message today, I am reminded that the purpose of Christmas was that we be one with God.  Atonement - that time when we are At One with God.  All God wants for us to do is to surrender to his purposes, of love.  As Micah says, to love mercy, do justice and be one with God.  Let my gifts to others, those given and those yet to give, be representative of my love and not simply things that might bring pleasure to myself or others.

Through the messages of the past several days, I am again reminded that God takes "ordinary" people to do extraordinary things as vessels of delivering the message of God's love for each and every one of us. 

May it be so as I live my life-
Thanks be to God.

Advent versus Christmas

We are in the liturgical season of Advent, but in general public, we party as if it is Christmas.  It is hard to be quiet and prepare in public.  The mood is festive, not anticipatory waiting.  My gift shopping is close to completed.  We celebrated our family gathering and gift exchange on Saturday, and the greatest gift we recieved was being together with our family.  I would say "especially our lost granddaughter" - but truly I was happy to see each and every person.  I was happy to see my daughter in law's enjoyment of our gifts to her - I was happy to see our son  being able to spend time with his daughter.  I was happy to see our 14yr old granddaughter with all her make-up and our 17 yr old  being so "grown  up".  I am always happy to spend time with my daughter and son.

Now I am in an advent mode - trying to sit quietly with scripture and with God.  Reading and hearing the prophet Micah as he reminds us to be preparing our lives and our hearts by doing God's work - caring for others, not putting ourselves first.  Not being greedy.

My greed sometimes in other's happiness - perhaps I get too much joy from purchasing and making things that will bring joy to another - a form of greed, of which I am guilty.

So today, I will go to the church, and prepared Christmas cards for those who are not able to come to church and remind them that they are still in our hearts.  And in that way sit with God and listen.  May we all remember to slow down and listen - stop, watch and listen, not just for oncoming trains, but for God to be in our hearts.