New Experience

Yesterday I met with a Spiritual Director for the first time.  I was uncertain about this.  Two Pastors that I respect meet have spiritual direction and one of them, a valued friend, suggested this might be an avenue for me - beyond what I was feeling with my current pastor,

As I met with him, initially I was uncomfortable.  I started by giving some of my personal history especially as it related to my "spiritual life", I discussed times when I specifically felt the presence of God - weeding, walking, my morning quiet time and he kindly nodded and smiled from time to time.   I became more comfortable discussing my feelings.  I think this will be a good experience.  The ability to discuss things like "laws are for the lawless" - and we are all God's creatures - and that even people like the Boston Bomber - or bin Laden, are loved by God, just have deviated from the path God may have preferred they take.

Made me feel a little less out of step with people in general.  My desire and prayer now are to be able to be comfortable when I use words to others that may come out strange, but are meant to be of comfort. 

Truely, the presence of the Lord is in this place- I can feel His power and His grace.  An affirmation back from my Quaker days that hearing and feeling God is not unique to people who are called to have ministry as their life profession.

Thanks be to God!

"Post-op"

Over the last few months and weeks I have been dealing with vision issues (which may also be some type of a pun-).  Since early this year I have had an actual eye issue - which ultimately was diagnosed as a hole in my macula.  A little less than two weeks ago I had a vitrectomy - some of the fluid in the back of my eye was withdrawn and a bubble of gas was injected.  I spent over a week with my head facing the floor so that the gas bubble could exert pressure on the back of the eye to close the hole - to heal.  And according to follow up tests, it worked.  I rejoiced.  And of course I expected immediate return to "normal" sight and activities.

I might add, that I had carefully scheduled this so that all that I wanted to be part of could occur.  I have also been unable to separate the part of me that is pretty science based in analyzing all that is happening - all that I "see".  And I keep wishing I had know what was happening in advance to be better prepared to tolerate it as it happened.  Like, who knew that the bubble would become darker as it got smaller (hence increasingly harder to ignore....), or that it would reflect light and allow me to see and try to ignore rays of light.

Did I mention that I had carefully scheduled this so that I could "do it all" - everything that I had planned to do over the end of May into the last of June?  There had been a few bumps in the road. My husband has a health issue that should have been resolved in a couple months, now going on seven months.  But he has cheerfully adjusted/adapted.  Friends have had health concerns- and we have adapted.

But the continuing message to me is pretty clear - let go and Let God take control.  A VERY HARD lesson for someone like me.  So I will contine to give thanks for the healing I am experiencing, for the patience of my husband, and for the way God forgives my shortcomings, and Loves ME no matter what!  May I always rejoice and give God the glory and share HIS love with all the world- in action and in words.

Thanks be to God.

Love each other

Jesus commands us to love each other as He has loved us.  With all our faults and failings.  He loved the disciples, knowing they would be human and have major faults.  Makes me think of the love a parent has for a child.  Even when they cause us pain, and yes, seem to deny (well, at least ignore) us, we love them.  Even children that are to the world "bad" - we love our child.

A friend of mine has an adult child that has recently been incarcerated, not for the first time.  My heart goes out to her and her family for that pain of social stigma.  Yet I know she loves her child.  Makes my hurts seem so insignificant.

Yesterday I spent the day with a dear friend and had the opportunity to attend a worship service where the sermon was on "re-gifting".  We are encouraged to tithe- give to the Lord first, and then to give of our extra as well.  I remember a line I think from a song, love isn't ours 'til we give it away.  My heart is filled with love this Lord's day.  I have more than I need to survive, but as a pass along "stuff", place my money envelope in the offering plate, and pack up my extra "stuff" for the church yard sale, may I also remember that playing in the bell choir is also giving some of my love, as is the love our leader gives to us as she encourages us (and at times puts up with our adult shenanigans).

Thank you God and the world for loving me.  May I pass that along in words and deeds.

Wednesday-

Mid week - almost the middle of April.  No real organized thoughts today.  Just feel the desire to blog a bit.

I have been uneasy recently - whatever is going on with/in my right eye has settled into being unable to read normal print and a definite mess in the middle of my vision and since 1982 my right eye has been my "best" eye.  Left eye post cataract has the best distance vision - right not as good, and now clearly (almost a pun there-) not as clear in the central vision.  Still functions well for giving me depth perception and .

Been participating in the "Advancing  your Spiritual Growth" class T is leading.  Discovered last week that the paper work he has given us did not make sense with the chapter we were "assigned" - no wonder, the paper work covers numerous chapters.  Goes to show he is not a teacher -  As I have commented to E and A, I am looking for some assistance in my spirit - more in the line of nurturing than feeding.  Made sense to me.

And now I find I am having real issues with my weight again.  During the time I was walking last fall into winter, I got down to the lower 170's.  Then winter struck, I quit regular walking and weight started up again.  When I got sick it went down, then up a few pounds for a couple weeks, then down over 2 lbs and now today back up.  I am at a serious cross roads that means discarding those summer clothes I really liked and was proud to wear in size 14 and buying more in a larger size.  Very discouraging.  But I recognize that eating is enjoyable to me and I am at a place where I feel little satisfying.

I am also discouraged about something I have no control over, but keep urging and trying.  I really need to let that one go- even tho I have been a cheerleader for the effort.  Very discouraging to want to do things, and feel powerless.  Like all the brush that needs to be cleaned up around here- no point in starting more brush piles when the ones I've created over the years are still waiting.  And too many big branches and trees I really can not move.

OK, enough for now - even this computer annoys me since the cursor does not move and if I pause, when I start back to typing the darn thing starts somewhere mid sentence.  Guess I have a LOT of things I can't control and I better just get used to it!

But I KNOW that God loves me, NO MATTER WHAT, even when it seems I have trouble loving myself.

Kitchen work

Our church is preparing to renovate out kitchen.  This will be a significant project for us.  We have money dedicated for the work and will need some additional "fund raising".  We are being blessed by many who are providing services and physical labor.  But (and there seems always to be a "But"...) we are falling behind in our regular obligations financially.  

As a member of the "kitchen crew", we desperately need a new stove - ours has rust around the face of the oven - seen when you open the door - and one door spring has broken so it needs to be propped closed when  you are baking.  And there is an area around our sink (not the proscribed 3 bowl sink) that is not sealed and you can guess the rest of that story.  We are reasonably sure the Health dept has kept a "blind eye" to our needs because we are a church.

But as a member of the finance committee, I am gravely concerned that people will dedicate their limited resources to update our kitchen to shiny new, and ignore our financial obligations, and the potential negative effect that may have on our ability to support a pastoral leader with advanced education.

Soon it will be time for me to head to church - today we serve a dinner to the district clergy.  We have a reputation of serving a great meal, not just soup and sandwiches   Maybe we can energize others to see our mission as beyond the kitchen and into the world.  Sure hope so!

Snow Day

I know I am a valued child of God.  I know my identity is not defined by where I am and what I do.  But today feels so strange.  It is Sunday - and we are not going to church.  I have sat in silence, I know it's OK with God, but it feels strange.  There is snow - yes - but if I had had to go to work, or somewhere, I would have made it.  But now I am 70, my husband 72, and we gave ourselves permission to just not go today.

And more snow is forecast.  My plea at this point is to be able to make our planned luncheon for A on Thursday.  I can move money around in accounts to avoid the planned first of the month trip to the bank.  Only problem there will be the 30 day thing, so each month will move farther and farther from the actual first of the month.  I guess there are ways of dealing with that as well.

So today I will have periods of quiet - and times I am annoyed, but I will remind myself that it is OK with God to miss one Sunday - and remember to "Be Still".

Now to try again to scare off those annoying scavenger "black birds" -

Thanks God for loving me just as I am.

Passing clouds

As I sat here this morning, in what promises to be a "mostly sunny" day, watching out my window, I saw a bank of clouds moving our way.  Immediately I felt myself getting depressed and grumbling.  Then I had this epiphany, that the sun is still there even when hidden by the clouds.  Sounds so simple doesn't it. 

At that point, I realized that just like the sun is behind the clouds, that when I feel I am in darkness, that God, the light, is still there as well.

I love the expession the Quakers use, when they "hold (someone) in the light".  Took me many years (like 50 maybe) to realize that was their equivalent to "keeping the in prayer".  God says He is the I AM.  Jesus, as part of the Triune God, is also the word, or I AM. 

I did discuss some of my concern with Tim yesterday - and we talked about my enjoyment of the book, The Shack.  The sense of color the character sees when he has accepted God and his ways.  And now how that too, relates to God and light and ominpresence, even when I feel alone.

A lady where I work out yesteday remarked if I felt teary, I must be depressed.  I also get teary when things cause me to be happy.  I will take my tears over this renewed revelation to be tears of joy.  Because behind each cloud is the sun (well, given it it day light) and beyond each darkness is God's presence, even at night. 

I am loved, no matter what, warts, unkind thoughts, and all. 

Thanks to the grace of God.  Thanks be to God.