Fall - another perspective

So this morning as I was doing my quiet time, I glanced out the window and thought "I wonder if there are enough leaves gone that I can see my "God light", and was rewarded with a blink of light off in the distance.  Yeah!  My reward for the plain-ness of winter is that light.

I call this my "God light" because I know it is there even when I can not see it.  Just like God.  I know He is always with me, even when things do not seem to be going the way I want them to be.  So, while I am not at all ready for the potential weather that will cause me to feel isolated, I welcome the loss of the leaves on the trees so I can see that light.

But the interesting part, is that I can't always see the light when I seek it.  And I can not exactly explain why.  I know that weather conditions will obscure it - and maybe when certain tree limbs are moved certain ways.  And it's like I try too hard sometimes.  But if I am still and keep my faith, it will pop into view.  Just like God, it is always there - sometimes I try too hard, and sometimes I just need to "let go" and allow it to come into view.

But I KNOW God is always with me, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Amen

Autumn thoughts

It has been a while since I put any work or words into this Blog.  And as I sit here and look out my window, I notice that as some of the taller/larger trees have lost their leaves, I can see other trees and bushes that still have colorful leaves.  Isn't that the way it is with people?  Sometimes we can't see the quieter folks for those that seem to be more overt.

I have been very aware that I need quiet time to listen and to just be.  I attended a 5 Day Academy in Spiritual Formation in September, that was so powerful on many levels.  Not the least of which was an acknowledgement that I am unique, but not really different.  A spiritual connection that I tried to describe in a message to my fellow congregants a couple Sundays ago,

And then I have considered letting others know about this blog- do I have something to share that someone else might find useful?  Is it my time as a less visible tree to open myself to others?

I will listen.  

Loaves and fishes and covered dish dinners

As I read Matthew 14: 13-21 I was struck (again) at how this story ties in with so much of what I see in the church.  Jesus is in mourning - immediately before this we read of the beheading of John the Baptist (his cousin and the person that set the tone for Jesus's ministry).  Jesus tried to get away and the people followed him.  So, it's meal time, and the disciples ask what they can do about feeding the people - a pretty common question.

Now I am both a pretty literal person, and a realist.  In my mind there is NO WAY 2 loaves and 5 small fish, meant to nourish one person, could feed 5,000.  So here is my take on the matter.  Jesus blessed the loaves and fishes, and as they started to pass them in baskets, many of the people that had travelled had a bit of food with them, which they then shared, and as is common at most of the covered dish meals I've attended and helped serve, they ended up with more left over than they thought they had at the start.

And this ties in so well with the sharing of the resources in Acts.  People sold their holding and gave to the church for the welfare of those in need.  The need to take care of each other out of love is the basis of Christianity - to love one another as you love God and yourself.

The sharing of  love and community meals- even at funeral meals when it is rare to not hear the sound of laughter.  God loves us, no matter what, and I believe when we laugh, He laughs with us.

Jimmie

Funny how a day that seemed like a good, fun day, can turn sour so quickly.  And how fear for one's loved one can seem not so bad - and yet it is.

Yesterday K and I went to a local "wildlife center" - sort of zoo on a country road in a wooded area.  Fun to see giraffes pretty much up close - and various monkeys, even a donkey and of course the lions and tigers and a syrian bear.  And then, just at news time, K had checked facebook briefly and commented that someone had lifted one of our granddaughters and her family in prayer.  They are having Fair time in their county.

After several attempts to get hold of the family, and communication with her uncle via chat, someone in the "crowd" posted that B had fallen with her horse while barrel racing, and B was scratched and bruised but her horse was mortally hurt.  Relief it was not B, and  such an ache for her and her family as I know how much they "love" that horse and how much riding means to B.

And as a mother and grandmother I can't really "fix" this.  When they are ready to contact me, I can offer some financial assistance - but I can't fix the loss of a part of their family, or the disappointment of plans for the summer that won't be the same.

But I can hold them in my heart and my prayers.  And I can rejoice that my son responded in the same concern that I did from a well intentioned facebook post.  We are not always as "close" as I would like us to be.

Do they hold funerals for horses?  This morning I am mourning with their family - my family.  Mourning the loss of the horse that was part of their family.  That B had spent countless hours feeding, training, riding, etc  And a not insignificant financial loss - and that has to be in their hearts too and they will be feeling guilty for worrying about that part.

I know God is with them and all of us in this.  Maybe this is what her g-grandmother's money for her is to be used for?

Lord, in your mercy

A foggy AM

Here it is, Saturday again.  I have been feeling a bit lost these past few days.  I get into this kind of "funk" when it seems like I don't have much on my schedule.  I am not good at all at doing "nothing".  And yesterday I came to the realization (again, I am sure-) that the hardest thing to do to help someone you love, is nothing.  I am a "do-er" - I want to work and to "fix" things.  But I have clearly been made aware that my presence is too painful when you don't want to be busy, for whatever reason.

So, I  have spent way too much time stalking facebook, and playing games on my computer.  And today I realized I had forgotten my word for the year.  I looked it up - TRUST.  Back to that old part of me that seems to want to be in control - to do and to fix.

Why do I find it so hard to just be still and be quiet and TRUST?  Why do I think I need to stay in control?  Maybe today in my busy-ness and my quiet, I need to remind myself that I AM GOOD ENOUGH - to accept I am loved for who I am and whose I am, and that deeds and doing are not all that is required.

Thanks, Julie, for bringing me back to my word for this year.

A Saturday AM

As I start to write today, I can't start with a title -  I have mixed feelings/emotions going on.  I read (again) today about God's creation of all things, and that means people, too.  And I prefer to only feed the birds I like, and not that horde of blackbirds.  What if God only chose to nurture the Jews - but He made it clear that all are welcome into the Kingdom of Heaven.  Jesus intentionally sought out the "others" - the leper, the Samaritan woman, etc.  Certainly the Old Testament is filled with people fighting people and the idea I got is that the "chosen people", if they stayed in God's good graces, would come out the winner.  If they got too cocky, they did not always win.

Tied into that was my witness last night of Rick giving Ashley money at the Relay for Life event.  Clearly this was not based on actual "need".  And I know that they support her and Sophia as she lives with Grammy.  And my heart comes back to Lindsey, and Rick's statement that "all she wants is money".  Lindsey, from what I knew, is living mostly independently with her boyfriend and has a full time job.  So maybe she would like to have some additional money from her father???.....

And I keep asking (praying..), how am I to respond in this.  Clearly, I did not confront Rick on that point.  And I have drug my feet at contacting Lindsey, since I don't want to break the thread of contact I have with Rick.  Should I be more aggressive and contacting him?  Am I wrong to think as the son he should keep in touch with me/us?

I will confess to a bias for Lindsey and not really against, but negative to Ashley when clearly Lindsey is cut off.  And I do not know the full story of 6 years ago that led to the separation between them.  So I guess my response is to continue to love her from a distance, and wait for the Spirit to give me further direction.  It is not up to me to pick and choose who to love and who to cut off, though today I have chosen to put out the bird seed and not refill the suet, knowing the woodpeckers will eat some seed and hoping the blackbirds will choose to go elsewhere for their easy meal.  And I will go to Buckhannon to work in the yard their where I feel appreciated.

And I KNOW God loves me, no matter what.  Thanks be to God.

Trust.... myself

So, my word for this year has been TRUST.  And it is pretty amazing how often I find that word fits in many of my uncomfortable moments.

In my "contemplative knitting" - the item I knit on in my quiet time and pay attention to the motions of my hands, not knit while I am talking or waiting or watching TV - I recently needed to do a join of one skein to the next.  I did the join sort of loosely a few days ago, and then had issues with the way it looked.  Clearly too loose and made an obvious hump.  So I had decided to take out the rows between the join and where I had gotten.  I made up my mind that it had to be corrected, which meant pulling the stitches tight that involved my join.  So that was what I did this morning.  And in doing so I had now two issues - the strength of the join/weld, and remembering how many rows I took out so the pattern would be maintained.  As I un-knit (some say tink-), I realized that my issue with trust was many times in trusting myself.  In this case, in trusting the strenght of my weld of the yarns.

So, as I reknit the join area, I pulled it tight enough to not have an obvious gap, thinking I had to trust that weld - and lo and behold it is fine.  Hardly shows.  And I could tell when I had used up the yarn I unknit and when I started to go farther than I had undone. So yes, today my lesson in trust is to TRUST myself- my welds, my decisions, and perhaps even that I am loved and remembered even when I am out of sight.  Enough said. Amen.

Fungus and estrangement

I have a few things that are bothering me on an ongoing basis.  I  have a fungus under several of my toenails, and I have an issue with estrangement in our family.  It occurs to me that both are prevasive and undermine a segment of my health.  I am likely to loose one of my great toe nails in the near future due to the fungus.  It won't be the first time, either.  So far nothing I have done has made any difference and yes, I have sought medical advice but have chosen not to take toxic medication.

We have a family situation - our son is divorced from the mother of his daughter, and there have been hard feelings and bitterness for almost our granddaughter's whole life.  Our son has found happiness with his second wife and her children have truly become their children.  But the strife with his natural daughter and her mother have caused what seems to be an unresolveable estrangement.  Because of this bitterness, we are also separated from her, and I fear attempts on my part to contact her will result in further estrangement of us from our son.

As I prayed this morning about the family issue, it came to me that this is like my toenail fungus.  And I asked God what else could I do.  I sense God telling me to pray for our current daughter-in-law for healing in her - perhaps even more that for us, in that maybe through her healing she can help our son with is healing and we can experience so healing as well.

Maybe there is a fungus in her background that is undermining our son's relationship with his daughter- and maybe there is a toenail there that has to be lost to unearth the real problem for healing.

And I will continue to pray for healing for all of us - and my toes.

Parallels of my life to Moses

After I read the OT reading in exodus today, and was challenged to identify a "life-altering encounter with God", I began to think about the various parts of my life - and where I felt I encountered God the most.

I worked backward - because in the almost 10 yrs since my retirement, I have felt the presence of the Holy Spirit most in my life.  Maybe because I am able to take time to allow this to occur.  Not dramatic occurrences, but the quiet sense of companionship.  Of being in the right place - where God wanted me to be.

But when did I feel I was most "in the wilderness"?  I guess that separation from known family and friends in Richlands - but I did have a spiritual time there with RPC and a growth of my spiritual identity in the Women's circle there, by accepting responsibility to bring a meditation of devotion to the meeting.  (Not feeling ready to actually lead the bible study/lesson.)

Or does that make that the mountaintop time?

So then was Mgtn the time of oppression?   - or maybe that was the beginning of the journey from "egypt" - Very little church time, but D helped me find my Maundy Thursday base in her UMC.

Certainly I felt my spirit oppressed during my later years at B - between an MD who I would in later  years reacognize as "abusive" in actions and language, and the discouragement of feeling unknown and un recognized in the congregation to which I belonged.

And I will continue to be thankful for the pastor that led me into recognizing the way I am loved and beloved, and quietly encouraging me to acknowledge that relationship with God.  It's not that I am special from anyone else, it is that each and every one of us is special to God.  What a glorious thought.

Amen

Choices

I finished the book, The Laws of Gravity last night.  You find the answers to some of life's hardest questions in the most unlikely places.  Recently I discovered that I finally understood "discernment" - as the HOly Spirit speaking to my spirit.  And last night, the answer to why do we have Free Will, came out of the closing parts of this book.  Two older Jewish women are talking, having recently completed a special course to become "Bat Mitzvah" and one asks the other, why did God give us Free will?  And the answer is. 'because He wants us to choose Him".  Now, is that a "duh" or not?

So today I am reading the old testament reading in Deuteronomy (30:15-20), and what do you suppose is the text?  A whole bunch of "if-then" statements, all surrounding the concept that If one chooses God/to follow God, then good will ensue, and if you do not, then the evil results will follow.

So, let me continue to be open to the leading of the Holy Spirit.  And le me be aware of the consequences if I choose to go a different route. My life friend. Janice, has asked me to prepare to say a prayer at the Memorial service she is planning for her husband, Jim, who seems to be in the final stages of life.  May I listen and hear what God wants me to say.  If I listen then I will say what they need to hear.

Grace and Peace-

Trust

I am reading The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  Difficult reading - makes me feel like I am back in school studying.  I haven't gotten very far, but what I have read has really made me think.  I chose to hear a word to guide me for this year, and TRUST is the word that seems to have been chosen for me.

I am no saint - not in the sense we think of someone without sin - but during these long days of cold and snow - and mostly self required isolation, I have chosen to spend my time being "productive" in some manner.  And as I have discussed my spiritual development with A, I have felt lead to Bonhoeffer.  His definite tie of words and actions is very powerful.  Faith cannot exist without discipleship.  And discipleship is stopping what I am doing and following.  Could I simply put down my knitting and leave?  I admit to bargaining- I'll make those calls this afternoon - So is that not following?  Am I no better than a Pharisee?

On Sunday I rescheduled my spiritual direction meeting scheduled for this AM to next week - L asked if I wanted to wait until yesterday at least to make the change, I felt strongly that I needed to reschedule - and at least in part because I sensed that Keith was not happy with that 9AM appt on a day that was to be below zero in temperature.

Today I will again spend time listening and try to hear- and Trust- And we'll get our hair cut, maybe visit the church and maybe I will even venture back out and exercise.  It is cold and the sun is shining.

God is Good!

Learning life lessons

Just now I had a reminder of a couple lessons that you would think I had learned enough by now.  Multitasking and "second" chances.

I am the queen of multitasking, and periodically someone reminds me that when you think you are multitasking, in fact, you are not paying sufficient attention to either thing to be doing it well.

And in knitting, there are times when you should - or could-  insert a "life line" so if you have to tink (rip out, in nicer terms), you have a line beyond which the stitches will be held.

I have been knitting, and reading on my Kindle.  I frequently knit and watch TV - not something that takes a lot of concentration - and when it does, I put the knitting down.  I am making a pair of socks, and doing the gusset - the part where the heel and the top of the foot come together, and it requires symmetrical decreases to make it look right, so periodically I stop and see if my count on both sides is the same.  So, on doing this, I realized one side had 2 more stitches than the other, and I have to admit, I came close to just slipping one stitch over on the back of the heel to make the numbers match.  But, gulp, I looked down and the defect would have been pretty obvious, even to a non-knitter.  So, I decided I needed to rip out down to where I could see the first missed decrease.  And I hate to tink - take the stitches out one painful stitch at a time.  Thankfully, I then remembered the "life line".  So, I inserted that "life line", pulled out the needles, ripped the sock back to the life line, and now am read to proceed - again.  Except this time I'll not try to read and knit at the same time - at least until the decreases are done and I can go merrily around and around.

So, what have I learned from this?  I would love to say I'll never do that again- but I fear that would be something I likely would not live up to.  Instead, I am thankful for the lesson of the life line, and wonder how many times God has thrown me a "life line" and I was not aware of it?

So, Thank You Lord for all the "second chances" you have given to me - all the times you have thrown me a Life Line - and my I be worthy of Your effort.  Love never ceases,.

Thanks be to God.

John 1: 42 - linking thoughts

As I read my Gospel passage for today, I had concern for John as a couple of his disciples have chosen to leave John and follow Jesus.  Of course John pointed them out, and in that way possibly encouraged them to go.  But I wondered how John felt when a couple of his "friends" changed directions and followed his cousin.

I have decided that John was pleased - that much as I had "trained" nurses in the basics and they then moved on to other hospitals (and left me....), I was ultimately pleased for them and took some satisfaction that I had given them the basics.

But on what was my third reading of the final line in this passage, I see where two different versions of the passage say Jesus changed Simon's name to Cephas .  One version says this means Peter, and one version says it means stone.  I know later on Jesus will call Peter, the "rock" - fits with the stone part, but my medical training leads me to see cephas as "head".  Both then fit, Peter will be the head of the delegation, the head of the disciples, and the stone, on which the church is founded.

Thanks, God, for the intertwining of words and for my enjoyment with words.

Mission and Service

In my readings this morning, I am reminded of Jesus' commandment to us, to love others.  And at the same time I am wrestling (again) with the concept o spiritual gifts.  Which brings me to servant leadership.

My desire in life is to make life easier for someone else.  That makes me think of "helping".  If I show my love of another by trying to help them - ease their burden - then how can they show love back to me at the same time.  I think they help me, by accepting my assistance.

So then, if I were going to "preach" that message, what would be a visible example?  And I call to mind the times I have tried to help someone get up, or turn over.  If they can help me - they mostly cooperate and ease my burden by not being rigid, or actually fighting my efforts.  Which then make me think of someone that is drowning, and back to my Life saving courses of oh so many years ago.  First you need to calm the downing person so they will quit fighting - the water, you, etc., then relax and let you control their movements.

Isn't that what God is doing with us - first trying to calm us?  Peace I give to you.  So that is how we try to help another person - by first being present, calming, getting their TRUST.

We are all one Body in Christ.  Christians first, then into denominations. So if I relax and let Christ work with me and through me, I will be better able to help someone else.  That is what a good servant does - helps you first to be calm and relax, then eases your work/journey.

Trust and obey-  Trust in the Lord.
Amen

Words and Signs

Julie Garmon challenges me to identify a word that will be "my word" for the year.  As I understand it, this word will signify my life for the year.  I have selected the word TRUST (as in Trust and Obey, for there is no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey".  UMH #467.

As I looked up this hymn, I find it interesting that it is in a section identified as "Sanctifying and Perfecting Grace".  I guess that says something, and I think I'll leave that thought for just now and come back to the other part of my thoughts for today.

Signs -  I read Matt 16:1-4 today, where Jesus talks about us humans as interpreting signs, such as the red sky and night/ red sky in the AM as ways of predicting weather.  And for the first time I picked up, that it is not up to us (me-) to interpret the signs.  In fact, I suspect that means I should not try, so I have linked that scripture to my word, TRUST.  I am to trust in God's leading, in God's way, and not expect some earthly Sign to give me direction.

Thank you Lord that the worst of the "polar vortex" is over.  May I be more like the birds at my feeders, and trust that you will feed me, and keep me safe from cats and other creatures.  May I be a reflection of your unending love.  AMEN

Word for the year

One of the blogs that I follow, the writer selects a word to guide her year.  I have considered this in other years, and not really taken it seriously, I guess.  But this year I am going to give it a better shot, and I figure by committing it to this format, I will have a reminder.

So with that in mind, I am choosing (or did God choose for me-?-) the word,TRUST, as in Trust and Obey.  I need to trust my instincts to act and to wait. Trust that I am enough - trust that I am loved for myself, trust that I can "do all things through Christ that strengthens me".

In my desire to be perfect - to seek affirmation- I my come on too strong.  I wait for someone else to call me, then make the phone call.  So, in my seeking to trust, how much is my will, and how much is Thy Will?

In these moments and coming days, I will seek to trust more and more - even for something as small as connecting to other bloggers by listing the ones I "follow" on this blogger page.

TRUST - in God we trust, ... trust and obey for there is not other way....