Contemplating on a word

Today I read an Advent devotion on "Just Joe".  Related to Joseph's response/reaction to the news that his fiance', Mary was pregnant.  His response was to be "just" - in another version, "righteous".  So that made with word "adjust" come to my mind.   And from "adjust" I then thought of "adduction".  If "adduction", is a medical term for bringing a limb towards the center, then when we "adjust" something, do we bring it more into being right/correct?  How often have I heard or said that someone needed an "attitude adjustment"?  Here comes judging Jane again.  Seems like I spend a lot of time asking for forgiveness for my judging.....

Here in Advent, I am trying, especially in my quiet time, to focus on being prepared for the coming of Christ.  In a sense, then, one might extrapolate that I am trying to adjust my attitude to a more right frame of mind, to not be distracted by all the things I think society expects me to do and to be.  To be simply (just?) Jane and open to the leading of the Holy Spirit.

And I have been spending a lot of time recently trying to decide if I would describe my attitude during my morning quiet time as contemplating or being contemplative.

And have I ever remarked before that I love words - ?

Thank you Lord, that I love words and have an active mind/thought pattern.  Maybe it's no so bad for my mind to wander..... maybe that is being contemplative.

Happy Thanksgiving 2013

I am struck this morning, an all American holiday, about the deep thread of religion in our history.  As I read Psalm 100 this morning ( and I confess, I was excited to realize I not only could recite it, but knew it was Psalm 100 -), I saw an instant connect between "it is He that has made us and not we ourselves" and "We are endowed by our Creator ..".  Yes, I thought to myself, we are not self made - we are made in the image of the creator.

There Bible was recorded as the document of the people of Israel.  And the time it was recorded, that was the world as those people knew it.  In the Declaration of Independence there is no mention of a brand of religion.  No mention of a Christian God or a Muslim God.  An undefined supreme being, "our Creator".
Over my entire life, and more recognizably in the last 8 years, I have recognized I was (and am) created and nurtured by an all loving God.

Today is a historic moment in the life of the American Jews.  A coming together of their "church and state" in that Hanukkah and Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving Akuh (?).  My sister has a Menurkey - a turkey that will hold the nine candles of a menorah.  Yet our traditional ancestors - the ones we celebrate as having "discovered" and settle America, were devout Christians who were escaping the Church of England so they could pursue the freedom to worship as they chose.

In my mind, all is God created - and the God I choose to worship is a triune God - God the Father (and yes,I see God in the masculine), God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.  God loves me, no matter what.  And especially today, for that I am indeed thankful.

Contentment and Impatience

Maybe I should have titled this success and failure.  This AM I read the chapter on Success in Joan Chittester's book The Gift of Years Growing Older Gracefully.  I certainly am not a success at family.  My children rarely call, and frequently are not available when I call them.  My grandchildren prefer electronic communication - the two that communicate - and seem to prefer to do that in social media.  I have one brother than seems to prefer to be isolated in terms of communication and another with which I have infrequent communication.  And my sister loves to talk but it seems only when I call  her.

I have debated with myself if I am depressed.  I don't think so - I think I am tired of making all the effort.  My husband is content to have little outside contact - his idea of the ideal vacation spot is one that has free wi-fi and good tv reception.  Many days our phone does not ring at all - and if it does, it is someone trying to sell us something or on some idea (think politician....).

I see the beauty of this changing season and am almost fearful of the next season of snow and potential isolation.  I want to be doing things - improving the way our property looks, visiting with others, sharing new yarn I have gotten, the progress on projects, the way the spirit works in mysterious ways.

I am certainly not content with everything in my life.  I am impatient to see progress - get the trimming done, have the apples canned (I did 7 qts apple pie filling yesterday) and have a chance to sit and talk - or walk and talk.  I am content that my relationship with my Lord is mine to cultivate, to grow and to be responsive.  I am thankful for my health and that of my close relatives.

Maybe I am too impatient with others.  Again today, I will pray to be patient - to be open to the leading of the Holy Spirit - in His/Her own time.....

Thankfulness

What a beautiful, fall morning.  As I started this day, my prayer request was (and is-) that my life have meaning - make a difference.  And the hymn "Great is thy faithfulness" is running through my head.  Interesting is that the scripture for today in the Upper Room Disciplines, is Psalm 119: 137-144, and the concluding line, vs 144b is: "Give me understanding, and I shall live.".

I had a good overnight retreat last Fri and Sat in Charleston doing a "walk with Jesus" spiritual formation activity.  We walked the labyrinth at St. Marks six different times.  I can't even describe what it was like.  I love the peace of walking in silence.  You can always see the center - your goal, and yet there are times when you seem to be "almost there" and you are quite a way from arriving.  And then, when you think you are farthest, you are lead right to the center.  Is that how it is with some problems in life?  When I struggle and think the answer is distant, it is close, and when I surrender and just let it go (Let go and Let God?), that the answer comes?  Another observation that stuck with me was that if you are on the journey with others, at one point you will cross each others paths - get in the way?  find a way to work around each other?.  The only exception was when we met in the center..... hmmm.

This morning the phone rang and it was my daughter.  I am disturbed at first by the phone ringing in the midst of "my time"-  and I am tickled that she calls to talk.  Things can't always be on my terms.... and even good things sometimes come as an interruption.  Thanks, R, for being a great "interruption" in my life.

I realize I am struggling, in my personal life, with the desire to do it all, to have it all, but seemingly on my time plan.  Life is not like that.  I need to do a better job at having the words "Let go and Let God" do a better job of travelling those inches from my head to my heart.

And for all things, I am very thankful.  May I share my thanks with all I see.  Thanks be to God.

Just for today

Just for today - that is an ongoing message a friend posts on Facebook as she lifts a concern or prayer.

This morning I woke feeling pretty content - and almost afraid of that sense.  Like my mother's expression of "waiting for the other shoe to fall".  My husband now has a pain he claims is in his hip, but I sense is in  his back.  I had a pain in my back a week ago - I called it a "catch" and thought if someone could help me snap it loose I'd be better - but except for turning certain ways, it barely slowed me down.  I used some heat therapy and then remembered some muscle relaxants we had, took a one each night for two nights and with that rest felt (and continue to feel) lots's better.  Sure hope those pills help him as we are to go away for a couple days soon, and it won't be as much fun if he is in pain.

Yesterday I stayed home all day (unbelievable to some of my friends, I am sure), and had a good day.  Today I need to go out - do several things, at least one of which is related to the phone calls I made yesterday.

I have felt more comfortable with myself these last few days.  Had a good visit with my spiritual adviser on Monday.  He commented on a couple things we discussed that I seemed to be comfortable with decisions I had made as if in better touch with the Holy Spirit.  Powerful thought, especially since on at least one of those decisions it related to "backing off" and actually doing less.

So today, my prayers include the family of a young lady that inherited eternal life way too young, have peace, and that my husband listen to his body and heal so that he (and I) can enjoy our lives relatively pain free.  And maybe that I remember I do not have to be in control and survive.

Just for today - AMEN

Reflection on Psalm 139 and Hymn #393

I am fearfully and wonderfully made - I was knit together/formed for God's purpose.  I need to be still and know what God wants of me - from me- for me.

I am working on the listening and hearing skills.  I have been using "Spirit of the Living God" as one of my calming/centering foci.  Awhile ago, as I sang that hymn to myself silently, I could not remember the first action phrase, so I looked it up.  Interesting to find it is "melt me".

If I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" by the creator, in my mother's womb, then am I not basically perfect?  Funny how life gets in the way.  So as I sit in silence, not exactly meditating, I need to allow the spirit to enter me and calm me - open me - make me accessible to the working of the spirit, so the phrase "melt me" becomes even more significant.  Melt my preconceptions, take away the hardened shell of thinking I know it all.  Only by being melted- pliable- can then the following section take place.  Mold me.  Make me be what You (God) want me to be.  First I have to be melted to be pliable to the Maker to mold me.

And isn't that what society is doing to us all.  We are melted by our exposure to the world - desensitized to cruel and harsh conditions.  Use to seeing people who are hungry- if they just would put their mind to it they could get a job.  So we are molded by those around us with self serving attitudes.  And it is sometimes difficult to resist buying into that.  And I am ashamed to admit I am sure there are times my attitude is no better.  But I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Shaped and formed in the image of God to do good to others, to love and serve.

Lord, give me strength to stand up to what I know is wrong and be molded by You for your work.  Fill me and use me-
Lord, in  your mercy, hear my prayer.

half full or half empty?

I am reading Sandpiper's blog about going forth - for all purposes, taking nothing and relying on others/God to meet your needs.

And I am part of a small group who is trying to put our kitchen and thus our fellowship hall and storage areas back into useful condition.  I am having trouble seeing the progress for all I see that needs to be done.  I admit I am discouraged.  I guess I am seeing all the mess that is left with my back turned on all that is done.  Standing in the kitchen door and looking out.

We have a work group coming this week- they will get to use our new kitchen before we do.  Will they understand that we had a yard sale scheduled that was postponed?  Will they see the progress or all the bags of "stuff" all over?  Or will they see how nice our new kitchen looks?  Our custodian has worked hard to keep things reasonably clean during demolition and reconstruction, but dust is pervasive and everywhere.  Will people see the shiny new, clean kitchen or all the "stuff" that is still all over?  Do our fellow parishoners see the progress that the few of us have seen, or do they see the bags of "stuff" that is piled all over, in the way of the yet unwashed dishes, unsorted things to wash and store?

And is that how God feels when He has offered even His own Son for us, and all we can see is the mess that that world is in?

I decide, this day, this minute, to look at the progress in the kitchen and give thanks for the time and energy that has been expended - to say nothing about the expense of all these new appliances, stainless steel cabinets, etc.  To be thankful for all that has been accomplished and, for now, to turn my back on all that is still to be done.  I will rejoice for the progress, as I suspect God rejoices for each person that accepts His love.  And I know there will be another day to work, and more workers to do the work.
I will say,
Thanks be to God!

Independence Day 2013

Over the last month, as I sat looking at the floor for a week following eye surgery, and in my recent time away (I spent a week at the Chautauqua Institute) I have spent significant quiet time considering what I want to do "next".  I feel a bit like a teenager, just starting college and not sure what I want to do with my life.  As I have been retired for most of 9 years, I am a bit past the teenage years.  And a small humble part of me still thinks God has plans for me - and a use for me.

In the last 8 years I have cast about, doing lots of different things, seeking a comfort spot on which to land - to focus.  Much of that effort has revolved around my chuch and church family.  And on introspection and prayer, I am concluding that I need to find a way to bundle all my little "jobs" (prayer shawl ministry, card ministry, helping out in the church kitchen, walking, exercising, working in the yard and garden of my own and others) into some type of framework.  As a busy nurse and then nurse leader, I have focused on the list of things accomplished at the end of the day.
I suspect I have kept busy and involved as a way to ensure I am "needed".  And while I recognize the value of each individual person, I think I have a fear of being forgotten- overlooked somehow when the fun times come.    I need to learn to appreciate the value of quiet time spent reading and listening.

So my prayer for me (and if you are reading this, I ask you to join me) is that I welcome a way to wrap all this up in a forward direction, that encourages others to be present in the moment and sense the leading of the Holy Spirit.

New Experience

Yesterday I met with a Spiritual Director for the first time.  I was uncertain about this.  Two Pastors that I respect meet have spiritual direction and one of them, a valued friend, suggested this might be an avenue for me - beyond what I was feeling with my current pastor,

As I met with him, initially I was uncomfortable.  I started by giving some of my personal history especially as it related to my "spiritual life", I discussed times when I specifically felt the presence of God - weeding, walking, my morning quiet time and he kindly nodded and smiled from time to time.   I became more comfortable discussing my feelings.  I think this will be a good experience.  The ability to discuss things like "laws are for the lawless" - and we are all God's creatures - and that even people like the Boston Bomber - or bin Laden, are loved by God, just have deviated from the path God may have preferred they take.

Made me feel a little less out of step with people in general.  My desire and prayer now are to be able to be comfortable when I use words to others that may come out strange, but are meant to be of comfort. 

Truely, the presence of the Lord is in this place- I can feel His power and His grace.  An affirmation back from my Quaker days that hearing and feeling God is not unique to people who are called to have ministry as their life profession.

Thanks be to God!

"Post-op"

Over the last few months and weeks I have been dealing with vision issues (which may also be some type of a pun-).  Since early this year I have had an actual eye issue - which ultimately was diagnosed as a hole in my macula.  A little less than two weeks ago I had a vitrectomy - some of the fluid in the back of my eye was withdrawn and a bubble of gas was injected.  I spent over a week with my head facing the floor so that the gas bubble could exert pressure on the back of the eye to close the hole - to heal.  And according to follow up tests, it worked.  I rejoiced.  And of course I expected immediate return to "normal" sight and activities.

I might add, that I had carefully scheduled this so that all that I wanted to be part of could occur.  I have also been unable to separate the part of me that is pretty science based in analyzing all that is happening - all that I "see".  And I keep wishing I had know what was happening in advance to be better prepared to tolerate it as it happened.  Like, who knew that the bubble would become darker as it got smaller (hence increasingly harder to ignore....), or that it would reflect light and allow me to see and try to ignore rays of light.

Did I mention that I had carefully scheduled this so that I could "do it all" - everything that I had planned to do over the end of May into the last of June?  There had been a few bumps in the road. My husband has a health issue that should have been resolved in a couple months, now going on seven months.  But he has cheerfully adjusted/adapted.  Friends have had health concerns- and we have adapted.

But the continuing message to me is pretty clear - let go and Let God take control.  A VERY HARD lesson for someone like me.  So I will contine to give thanks for the healing I am experiencing, for the patience of my husband, and for the way God forgives my shortcomings, and Loves ME no matter what!  May I always rejoice and give God the glory and share HIS love with all the world- in action and in words.

Thanks be to God.

Love each other

Jesus commands us to love each other as He has loved us.  With all our faults and failings.  He loved the disciples, knowing they would be human and have major faults.  Makes me think of the love a parent has for a child.  Even when they cause us pain, and yes, seem to deny (well, at least ignore) us, we love them.  Even children that are to the world "bad" - we love our child.

A friend of mine has an adult child that has recently been incarcerated, not for the first time.  My heart goes out to her and her family for that pain of social stigma.  Yet I know she loves her child.  Makes my hurts seem so insignificant.

Yesterday I spent the day with a dear friend and had the opportunity to attend a worship service where the sermon was on "re-gifting".  We are encouraged to tithe- give to the Lord first, and then to give of our extra as well.  I remember a line I think from a song, love isn't ours 'til we give it away.  My heart is filled with love this Lord's day.  I have more than I need to survive, but as a pass along "stuff", place my money envelope in the offering plate, and pack up my extra "stuff" for the church yard sale, may I also remember that playing in the bell choir is also giving some of my love, as is the love our leader gives to us as she encourages us (and at times puts up with our adult shenanigans).

Thank you God and the world for loving me.  May I pass that along in words and deeds.

Wednesday-

Mid week - almost the middle of April.  No real organized thoughts today.  Just feel the desire to blog a bit.

I have been uneasy recently - whatever is going on with/in my right eye has settled into being unable to read normal print and a definite mess in the middle of my vision and since 1982 my right eye has been my "best" eye.  Left eye post cataract has the best distance vision - right not as good, and now clearly (almost a pun there-) not as clear in the central vision.  Still functions well for giving me depth perception and .

Been participating in the "Advancing  your Spiritual Growth" class T is leading.  Discovered last week that the paper work he has given us did not make sense with the chapter we were "assigned" - no wonder, the paper work covers numerous chapters.  Goes to show he is not a teacher -  As I have commented to E and A, I am looking for some assistance in my spirit - more in the line of nurturing than feeding.  Made sense to me.

And now I find I am having real issues with my weight again.  During the time I was walking last fall into winter, I got down to the lower 170's.  Then winter struck, I quit regular walking and weight started up again.  When I got sick it went down, then up a few pounds for a couple weeks, then down over 2 lbs and now today back up.  I am at a serious cross roads that means discarding those summer clothes I really liked and was proud to wear in size 14 and buying more in a larger size.  Very discouraging.  But I recognize that eating is enjoyable to me and I am at a place where I feel little satisfying.

I am also discouraged about something I have no control over, but keep urging and trying.  I really need to let that one go- even tho I have been a cheerleader for the effort.  Very discouraging to want to do things, and feel powerless.  Like all the brush that needs to be cleaned up around here- no point in starting more brush piles when the ones I've created over the years are still waiting.  And too many big branches and trees I really can not move.

OK, enough for now - even this computer annoys me since the cursor does not move and if I pause, when I start back to typing the darn thing starts somewhere mid sentence.  Guess I have a LOT of things I can't control and I better just get used to it!

But I KNOW that God loves me, NO MATTER WHAT, even when it seems I have trouble loving myself.

Kitchen work

Our church is preparing to renovate out kitchen.  This will be a significant project for us.  We have money dedicated for the work and will need some additional "fund raising".  We are being blessed by many who are providing services and physical labor.  But (and there seems always to be a "But"...) we are falling behind in our regular obligations financially.  

As a member of the "kitchen crew", we desperately need a new stove - ours has rust around the face of the oven - seen when you open the door - and one door spring has broken so it needs to be propped closed when  you are baking.  And there is an area around our sink (not the proscribed 3 bowl sink) that is not sealed and you can guess the rest of that story.  We are reasonably sure the Health dept has kept a "blind eye" to our needs because we are a church.

But as a member of the finance committee, I am gravely concerned that people will dedicate their limited resources to update our kitchen to shiny new, and ignore our financial obligations, and the potential negative effect that may have on our ability to support a pastoral leader with advanced education.

Soon it will be time for me to head to church - today we serve a dinner to the district clergy.  We have a reputation of serving a great meal, not just soup and sandwiches   Maybe we can energize others to see our mission as beyond the kitchen and into the world.  Sure hope so!

Snow Day

I know I am a valued child of God.  I know my identity is not defined by where I am and what I do.  But today feels so strange.  It is Sunday - and we are not going to church.  I have sat in silence, I know it's OK with God, but it feels strange.  There is snow - yes - but if I had had to go to work, or somewhere, I would have made it.  But now I am 70, my husband 72, and we gave ourselves permission to just not go today.

And more snow is forecast.  My plea at this point is to be able to make our planned luncheon for A on Thursday.  I can move money around in accounts to avoid the planned first of the month trip to the bank.  Only problem there will be the 30 day thing, so each month will move farther and farther from the actual first of the month.  I guess there are ways of dealing with that as well.

So today I will have periods of quiet - and times I am annoyed, but I will remind myself that it is OK with God to miss one Sunday - and remember to "Be Still".

Now to try again to scare off those annoying scavenger "black birds" -

Thanks God for loving me just as I am.

Passing clouds

As I sat here this morning, in what promises to be a "mostly sunny" day, watching out my window, I saw a bank of clouds moving our way.  Immediately I felt myself getting depressed and grumbling.  Then I had this epiphany, that the sun is still there even when hidden by the clouds.  Sounds so simple doesn't it. 

At that point, I realized that just like the sun is behind the clouds, that when I feel I am in darkness, that God, the light, is still there as well.

I love the expession the Quakers use, when they "hold (someone) in the light".  Took me many years (like 50 maybe) to realize that was their equivalent to "keeping the in prayer".  God says He is the I AM.  Jesus, as part of the Triune God, is also the word, or I AM. 

I did discuss some of my concern with Tim yesterday - and we talked about my enjoyment of the book, The Shack.  The sense of color the character sees when he has accepted God and his ways.  And now how that too, relates to God and light and ominpresence, even when I feel alone.

A lady where I work out yesteday remarked if I felt teary, I must be depressed.  I also get teary when things cause me to be happy.  I will take my tears over this renewed revelation to be tears of joy.  Because behind each cloud is the sun (well, given it it day light) and beyond each darkness is God's presence, even at night. 

I am loved, no matter what, warts, unkind thoughts, and all. 

Thanks to the grace of God.  Thanks be to God.

Word for 2013

Various bloggers that I respect select a word to represent their plan for their life in the coming year.  I am adopting the word LISTEN as my word.  To be still and listen - to God and to others.  To not spend the time someone else is speaking preparing my next remarks.  And that will be a bit difficult for me.

And while I am listening, I will listen to see if I am to let others know that I (randomly) post to this blog.  I would like to share my knitting experiences more or less as they occur, with others.  And this blog would be a good place to share.  Like twice this Christmas season having to almost hold my breath that I would have enough yarn to finish a pair of socks.  In both cases I started the set convinced I had enough yarn, then doubting as the second sock was nearing completion- and the skein of yarn significantly dwindling.  In both cases I found myself making alternate plans- going to be bed and --- could I find another skein, if I did would it show a significant difference in the dye lot.... would I have to frog and re-knit with a slightly shorter cuff....?  In both cases I forged ahead, and in both cases ended up with enough - and a very small ball of leftover yarn.

Is that how I treat myself?  With doubt in myself.  Isn't that part of my positive listening that I am going to work hard on this year?  When I (or another person that I trust) tell me I have enough, to sincerely believe.  So maybe the first place to start is to Listen and see if I should share this blog.

What do you think, God?